Monday, January 29, 2018

We Recycle!

January 26, 2018

Email I sent to Lucy's Teacher Friday morning as there was a slight mishap in our house: 

Hi Ms Dabrieo -
Just wanted to let you know I'll be picking Lucy up after school today (bang on 2:40!) as she has karate
As a side note, I also feel compelled to tell you there is a slight chance my daughter may smell of beer
Please be assured and take comfort in knowing I was not drinking this morning
It has been years since I had a drink
As a matter of fact, it has been so long I actually can't recall the taste nor can I recall much of happened when I was drinking but I have good friends who have filled in many blanks for me and I can tell you, I had great fun
Lucy was not drinking either
Well, she had a shot of allergy medicine and shared a glass of milk with the cat but she knows to quit while she's ahead
And I'd blame Sean but he had already left for work
Sometimes I blame him anyway, one of the many gifts I give in our marriage to him
Instead, the culprit is a good deed
My daughter smells like beer because of a good deed
As usual, I was rushing around the kitchen making sure I had completed all my chores before we left for the day
The unnecessary task of taking stock of which Bad Guys and Stick Cat books we had on the shelf totally distracted me
I'm easily distracted when I have to do something I don't want to do
(which in this scenario was the simple act of leaving the house)
Next thing I know, we're seven minutes behind schedule
Lucy, as she has learned to do, quickly identified the manic frenzy I was on the verge of and decided to help by putting out the recycling which included a two beer cans
Again, not my cans and not from this morning
They were Sean's (see how easily I throw him under the bus)
But, he's pushing 50 and needs something to get through the night so who am I to judge
Anyway, Lucy was helping and scooped up the cans along with an empty Malteasers box (like Whoppers, only English, all me ), an empty raspberry container and some mail I just did not feel like dealing with
As she headed for the front door, I redirected her to the back door reminding her the bin was on the back deck
She re-routed herself
I suggested she put something down before she attempted to open the slider
But she is 8
Which means she does not listen to me
Or, she listens to me for the sake of ignoring me or telling me no, she can do it her way and it will work damn it!
It did not work, she could not open the slider with her arms full of recycling
Instead, she fumbled and the two beer cans which were not as empty or rinsed out as one would think, were jostled about and from the depths of said cans came that tablespoon of beer that you can never quite get out of the bottom of a can (which I why I only drank from a glass bottle or draft, I hate waste)
The beer sloshed onto her forearm, into her hair, across the side of her face and down the front of her top
As I mentioned, we were already running late so I quickly wet the dish towel, wiped off her arm, face and sweater and then cupped my hand under the faucet and threw a handful of water on her hair and re-brushed it
I did not do her any favors as the dish towel may or may not have smelled faintly of salsa and ground beef (which I had for dinner last night...leftovers from our Self Serve Saturday Supper which was, you guessed it, tacos)
So, to summarize:
I will pick up Lucy from school at 2:40, she will not be attending Project Learn
Lucy smells like beer because she was taking out the recycling and it spilled on her
I could have just sent you a two line email but I am also the person who has never been able to buy just toothpaste or tampons or soap at Target because I am afraid the cashier will think I did not brush my teeth, am not using anything while I have my period at that exact moment nor did I shower because I had no soap
So then I find myself telling the cashier I did brush my teeth today but I will probably run out of toothpaste in a day or two so I'm getting it now and no, I don't have my period yet but its coming next week which is also why I am crying and made sure you had candy in your aisle before I committed to your line and I did shower this morning but, I used the last of the soap so here I am!
Turns out cashiers really don't care
Now, I just buy $300 worth of stuff to hide the toothpaste, soap and tampons (well, no more tampons as I had my uterus shoved out my vagina last year but you see where I'm going with this)
Ok well, that should do it!
See you at pick up and thanks for not thinking my kid, or I, was drinking this morning!
Have a great day!