Dear Netflix
We have been a customer of yours for a really really long time
When we first signed
up, I would spend hours laboring over my queue and prioritizing my movies
And when I knew a DVD was coming, I would rush home and do a happy dance at the
mailbox when I saw the little red and white envelope peeping out from between
my credit card bills and the Bed Bath and Beyond coupons
Remember how you would send an email telling us what movie was on its way to
us?
I would deliberately not
read that email just so I could be surprised!
Sometimes, I would get
anxious because it would take us a week or two to watch the movie
I always felt like I
was depriving someone else of seeing the film as I had the DVD in my possession
But Sean assured me
you had more than one copy and that you, Netflix, would make sure no one was
deprived and was enjoying the same exact movie I was at the same exact time
Thank you for taking
care of us all
Then you started
streaming!
Holy Crap!
It changed my life
I rank streaming up
there with my wedding vows and the birth of my child
Because of you, I have
lost countless hours to binge watching new and old shows
Which means my pop
culture references have been refreshed and revitalized
Streaming made me hip
and relevant again
Streaming gave me back
my 20s
And just when I thought you could give me no more, you gave me House of Cards,
Daredevil, and Orange is the New Black
Is there no end to
your endless list of talents and success?
I love you Netflix
Only once have I ever
been disappointed
That was when we
received the movie Primer
The movie itself was pretty
fucked up and kinda hard to follow
That of course is no
fault of yours
Primer was one of
those movies that once you started watching, you could not stop; you had to
know how this was going to end
Halfway through, we
looked at each other and realized neither of us knew what was going on
But we were committed
We had to know where
this crazy rabbit hole was taking us
We watched and watched
and watched
It was one of those
movies that was maybe 90 minutes but because it was so slow moving and cerebral,
you felt like it was three hours long
And 15 minutes before
the movie ended, you are not going to believe this…..
The DVD shit the bed
It broke
Crapped out
No longer worked
Just stopped playing
Netflix, I was upset
with you for like a month
We had invested so
much time into the movie…
And by time I mean it
was really hard to follow and I’m pretty sure I kept a flow chart while I was
watching it just so I could follow what was going on
I also vaguely recall
eating a lot while watching this film that’s how much it stressed me out
So you can imagine my frustration
when the DVD went all crazy and stopped working with less than 20 minutes to go
Though you graciously offered
to send us a replacement ASAP without bumping our next mobile down in the
queue, we were so over Primer
A week later, we still
had headaches
That was the only time
you let me down
But Netflix, now I find myself at odds with you again
And I'm not even really
sure if it’s your fault
I mean I don’t have to
read the article which pops into my news feed
But I fear if I don’t,
I shall miss something
See each month, right
around this time, I click on the link in my news feed that leads me to one of the
most stressful articles I read each month
And each month, I am
on a roller coaster of emotions for a few hours as I read the article not once,
not twice but no less than six times plotting my course of action
For it is this time,
each month, 12 times a year, you announce what movies and shows will be leaving
Netflix the following month
I scan the list
holding my breath and praying I don’t see any of my “go to” movies, my favorite
movies or movies in my queue
I know you are also
giving me new stuff but what about the films and shows I never got to or the ones
I never finished?
One time, I was binge
watching a TV series and you pulled it right out from under me
In the spirit of full
disclosure, I wasn’t upset because to be honest, it was not great writing,
tired story lines, whiny characters and overall, in the words of Simon Cowell,
my true love, self-indulgent
But I was,
nonetheless, a bit put out because you made the decision for me
Who are you to decide when
it is time for me to give up crappy TV?
It’s like the time I
tried to watch thirtysomething
I realized by the third
episode this show was not as good as we all thought it was back then....it was
and still is, total crap
But I gave it up
It was my choice
Not by your design
But once a month, I feel
like a tribute in your Hunger Games
I spend hours poring
over the list cross checking it against my queue
I plot my moves and strategies
for the next 7-10 days in an attempt to see movies and TV shows before you take
them away from me
The roller coaster of
emotions and stress you put me under Netflix is at times paralyzing
If I don’t watch Dude,
Where’s my Car within the next few days, who knows when I will ever have a chance
to see it again?
How long will it be in
the vault?
One time I scheduled a
surgery for the end often month because I knew I would be on the couch for a
couple days recovering
I knew I would have the
TV all to myself
And I knew which
movies I would watch before they were inexplicable snatched away from me
That is the only time I
have been able to outsmart you
Every month I make the
list of films I need to see, shows I need to binge on before you take them away
from me
And every month, I
fall short
As a direct result, there
is no telling how much pop culture I have missed out on
The day I stop being relevant
and hip will be the day I hunt you down Netflix
When I miss that
imposed deadline, I have a day or two where I mourn the loss of Adam Sandler
movies at my fingertips or the last four seasons of Brothers and Sisters
But then I get over it
And just when I think
I am ok, it’s the 24th of the month again and your next list of
expiring movies is in my news feed
And the vicious cycle
starts all over again
I’ve shown nothing but
love for you Netflix…. just ask our bank account
So I ask simply, why?
I know there are licensing
and distribution issues…blahblahblah….chitty chitty chat chat
But see, here’s the
thing:
I don’t care!
You are Netflix!
You put Blockbuster
out of business!
You created Claire
Underwood for fuck’s sake!
Surely you can
overcome licensing and distribution limitations!
Can’t you just get
Frank Underwood to issue some sort of presidential pardon and take care of
this?
Or have Matt Murdock take
it to court?
Or better yet, just
get Piper to carry the licenses out in her suitcase???
And while you’re at
it, could you sleep with HBO and get VEEP in your queue?
Please Netflix, end
this senseless wave of anxiety I ride each month
Please, just let me
have my movies, TV shows, documentaries and let me watch them too
I love you Netflix
I always have and I
always will
So in June, though I
welcome with open arms J Edgar and Elizabeth (The Golden Age),
I also bid farewell to
and mourn the loss of Clear and Present Danger, Click, Bounce, and Dude, Where’s
my Car
Until next month
Netflix
I remain yours till Niagara Falls
Love Maria
A subscriber since
2005