Monday, June 13, 2016


I try not to judge
I really do
I stop short of saying I don't judge because I do - we all do - and if you say you don't, you may not be as honest as you think you are
It's ok to judge - its just what you do with your judgement that sometimes makes it not okay
But that is not my point
My point is, I try not to say much about anything here - only because sometimes, as much as I enjoy this social platform and social media, things are in fact misread.....interpreted in a way you never meant them to be as someone puts their own spin on your words
And it can be hard to defend one's self on social media
I mean if you can't see my eyes rolling, my face contorting or hear me interrupting you as I try harder to make you understand my point, how am I supposed to defend myself?
But again, I digress
My point is, I try not to say too much here about how I feel about certain things
I try not to judge
I try not to beat anyone up for what they may be thinking or feeling in the moment they choose to express themselves in a public forum and hit enter to post
Except for when Jennifer G and Ben split up - that was devastating for me
I was mad at Ben for like a month
And I love Ben, I don't care what anyone says, I love him
And I love Jennifer, I seriously think we'd be great friends
But I love Matt Damon the most
Always have, always will
Refuse to even learn his wife's name because she is far too pretty for me to even make eye contact with
Again, not my point
My point is, when they split up, I used this as an outlet to express my disbelief and my fear that love was dying every where and the Nothing was going to consume all of us just like in The NeverEnding Story
Oh and Netflix, I went off on Netflix last week because of the stress they cause me each month
And for the record, I missed Dude! Where's my Car and now I'll never know if they found it
Usually, I just try to keep it fun for me (and you)
I mean what's funnier than Lucy calling a vagina a javina
Or my mother in a storm trooper helmet
Or when I told you about the time I put on someone else's shoes in the security line at O'Hare
Or when I told you about putting my pants on backwards
Also, I like to share stuff about books and authors and about empowering our young girls (and maybe even some young boys!) into believing that they are worth it and can do whatever they want to do
Ooh and the Royals
I love yakking on about The Royal Family...that Gan Gan just makes me smile!
And I love her hats and her bags
I am also slowly falling in love with the royal family in Sweden but THE Royal Family will always be first in my heart
And sure, I've shared a couple things about Church and Sean's conversion but nothing to evoke public outcry
Although one person did say to me I did not realize your were such a bible thumper
What's that I asked?
Well, it's just that you say fuck a lot so I was surprised you go to Church
Oh, I said, of course! That makes perfect sense....people who say fuck don't believe in God and surely can't go to Church
But again, I digress
My point is, I try not to judge
Which is why I've not said much about about the election cycle that has gripped (and scared the hell out of) this nation
I've been mum on the debate about what color the dress actually was
I've not once chimed in about the killing of Harambe or that ridiculous "sentance" handed down to that little punk Brock (yeah, like when he was named Brock no one saw this coming)
I never said a word about Bruce becoming Caitlyn
Bu this, this I have to chime in on
For no other reason than it is one of those things that makes you shake your head, ask your self what the fuck and then check the calendar to make sure it is not April 1
Look, I love boobs
I think boobs are great
And I am all for boobs and breastfeeding
And I'm okay if you choose to keep your boobs to yourself and not breastfeed
I could care less if you breastfeed in public, or behind a closed door
But I hope you never have to do it in a public restroom because that is just wrong
If you come to our house, we don't care of you nurse your child in our living room and we don't care if you ask to go upstairs to one of the bedrooms for privacy
I think its great that Moms breastfeed because it is in the best interest of their child
And I think there is nothing wrong if you chose not to breastfeed because it is in the best interest of your child
And I get that boobs make some people uncomfortable
I understand that there are some people who don't understand or respect breastfeeding
I'm not bothered by that at all
That's their thing not mine
At the end of the day, I think boobs are awesome
Mine, yours, hers
Boobs rule
Plus the word boobs makes me giggle (so does dink)
But this?
I'm judging
How can I not?
And you know that deep down inside, even though you are a way better person than me, you know you too want to judge just a little....
So go ahead
Shake your head in disbelief and say what the fuck?!?!
Look at the calendar
You'll see it is June 8th, not April Fool's Day
And one last time, if you can't say it, you know because you are a bible thumper, I'll say it for you
What the fuck....

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Number number on the scale.....

Mumma? Do you think I’m fat and need to lose weight ‘cause I do…..

When Lucy asked me that question this morning, I was in the refrigerator pulling out our lunches

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath

This is one of those moments as a parent, depending on how you answer, how you react, will create such an indelible impression on your child that you want to make sure you get it as close to right as possible


That little voice pulled me out of the fridge and I leaned back so I could see her and she could see me

Her eyes were downcast and her chin was resting on her chest

Mumma….do you think I’m fat? And do you think you are? Do you think you need to lose weight?

I closed my eyes again

Luce, look at me honey

I dropped the lunches on the floor and knelt in front of her

Honey, why do you think you are fat?

Because I have a belly – and well, boy 1 and boy 2 at school said you are fat and I’m fat and we both need to lose weight….do you think we need to lose weight? They also said my lunches are too big

I put my hands on her shoulders and stretched my arms back trying to make her look me in the eyes  

Honey, look at me

She picked her head up

Lucy, you are healthy – and that is all that matters – you are healthy and if you have a belly now at the age of 7, that does not mean you will always have a belly

But you do Mumma…… have belly, and they said I would be fat because you are….so I think I need to lose weight to be healthy

Lucy, you brush your teeth twice a day, you eat your fruits and vegetables, you do soccer, swimming and karate…..does that sound healthy to you

Yeah…. She said as she dug her toe into the floor

And do you try to be kind and do your best every day?

I think I do Mumma

And do you think that every day you get better at something?

She started to brighten up a little

Yeah! I’m getting better at push-ups, just ask Daddy and Sensei!

Ok well then you know what honey, healthy isn’t just about the how you look or how much you weigh, it’s about how you live your life

Belly or no belly, as long as you are trying to live a healthy life, which includes being kind, eating well, brushing your teeth, doing your best, (said with a loving poke to her belly button and a giggle from her as she swatted my hands away), you are just the way you should be!

Ok Mumma – but Mumma

Yes honey

I don’t think you are fat even if boy 1 and 2 said you are, I think you are beautiful and me and Daddy love your belly!

I know you do honey, and I love your bellies! Both yours and Daddy’s!

I hugged her to my soft belly – the one which carried her for nine of my favorite months of my whole life – and wondered if I had handled it as well as I could have and should have

While dropping her off at school, I saw the two little boys who called her, us, fat

I wondered how, why, at such a tender age (7) they think it’s ok to say something like that to someone

But then I reminded myself they are only 7

And at 7, kids are still a bit too innocent and honest for their own good

Not that being 7 ever makes it ok to call someone fat or judge by appearance…but I guess I like to think their intentions were not wholly malicious

Kids are honest, kids call it like they see it

And I am fat

I don’t think Lucy is but yes, I am

I mean really, I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember

And I am okay with that

Sure, I got picked on when I was a kid – by my brother, my sisters, kids at school, a couple cousins, even some adults

I’ve even been picked and made fun of as an adult  

It’s taken me a long time (30+ years) to be ok with myself – and with the way I was being picked on

Does not mean it is ok; it just means I process it in a way that bears minimal impact to me – to who I am because no matter what my weight is, my heart is still the same

It’s taken me 30+ years to be ok with it

And a lot of smoking….and eating…and losing weight….and drinking….and gaining it back……and losing it…..and gaining it back

You get the picture

And sure, it still bothers me when someone calls me fat (including when I call myself fat)

But not the way it used to

It bothers me for different reasons

But not as much as when someone calls my daughter fat

A couple of weeks ago, Lucy asked me to pack less in her lunch

When I asked her why, she just shrugged

I did not push for an answer and we pack her lunch together in the mornings

Now I know why

And I want to both hug and shake the two reasons why

I want to hug boy 1 and boy 2 because I think they need it

I want to shake them because at 7, they are already treating a little girl with utter disrespect….I 
shudder to think what will happen as they get older

My losing weight will not change the seed planted in my daughter’s head

My treating myself with love and respect will

Taking a shower, brushing my teeth, being kind, trying my hardest, learning from my mistakes, asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness are just as much a part of a healthy life as the number on my scale

I think they may actually be healthier….