Last night, after a birthday dinner with Jake, a spin around the neighborhood on her new bike, birthday cake and phone calls from Aunties and Noni and Papa, Lucy and I snuggled down for bed
Sean kissed her good night, wished her a happy birthday, tuned off the light and slipped downstairs
This is my favorite part of the day - the ten/fifteen minutes I get Lucy to myself
She's freshly showered and smells like coconuts
Her hair is soft and is so blond it actually shimmers when she moves
She nestles into me and sighs
We whisper and giggle
And sometimes we laugh out loud and make so much noise Sean hollers up the stairs
Girls! Settle down!
We talk about our day, or what it will be like when Lucy grows up
Sometimes, she'll ask to hear the story about the day she was born
Or the day we brought her home
Sometimes, she asks to hear about when Ziggy came to live with us
Or about the day her Dad and I got married
Sometimes, we just lay together quietly until our breathing patterns match and she drifts off to sleep
Last night, Lucy snuggled into me and said
Well Mumma, I made it! I'm 5! Can you believe it?!?
Can I believe you made it or that you're 5?
I hug her
No honey, I can't believe you are 5....
Do you still want me to be 4 Mumma?
Yes honey...and next year when its time for you to turn 6, I'll want you to stay 5...
Oh Mumma (she says with a sigh that translates to Poor poor Maria, so silly and naive....)
I know honey - but its what Mums do....we want our kids to stay little
Did Noni want you to stay little?
All Mums want their kids to stay little -
What else do Mums want for their kids
That's a long list Lucy!
Oh...she sort of trails off and seems genuinely disappointed I don't give her answer
Do you think Mumma that you might want me to have a kitty?
I tickle her
We have Ziggy you silly goose!
Well maybe you want me to have a puppy dog she says laughing and trying to hide under the covers
I want you to go to sleep birthday girl!
That's all you want for me Mumma?!?!
No Lucy, I want that and so much more.....but right now, I say as I kiss her whole face and tickle her,
I want you to go to sleep!
She giggles and snuggles back down under the covers pushing herself against me
I love you Mumma - and I loved my birthday day
I love you - you're my best five year old -
And you're my best Mumma
I hear her sigh one more time and within minutes, she's sound asleep
And in my head, I begin my list
There is so much I want for you Lucy
I want you to be
Happy and healthy
Safe and sound
Honest and kind
I want you to
Reduce, reuse, recycle
Be your own kind of beautiful
Stick with it, what ever "it" may be
I want you to
Know that life goes on - just be sure you go with it
Know who you are
Know your limitations
Know when to hold'em
Know when fold'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run
I want you to
Do what you feel in your heart to be right for you'll be criticized anyway (Eleanor Roosevelt told me that)
Do anything, but let it produce joy (Uncle Walt Whitman wants this for us all)
Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you (WW again)
I want you to
Get plenty of sleep
I want you to know
I've made mistakes...oh the mistakes I have made
I've hurt and been hurt
I've royally fucked up from time to time
I've partied too hard
I've gotten myself in some pretty tight spots
But I've learned from all of it
And I sleep better now than I did then
You will do all of these things too
You will make mistakes and lie, you'll hurt someone or someone will hurt
One day, you will royally fuck up, party a little too hard and find yourself in a compromising situation
All I ask is that you get through it as best you can
Apologize if you need to - even if it takes you years, apologize
Pay your fines and serve what ever sentence you have to
And then learn from it all
Learn from it Lucy as much as you possibly can
I want you to know that someday, you won't need me
And that's okay - we all outgrow our Mums at some point
But I will still need you
And even though you don't need me, I will always be there
I want you to know that someday, you'll realize you do need me
And that's okay - we all need our Mums at some point
For I always needed you
And I will always be right here
I want you to know that I love you so much that it makes me cry because it is so overwhelming
I want you to know that I am so very proud of you
I have faith in you
And I believe in you
I want you to know you are my best girl
And I want you you to know that one day, I will get you a kitten....and a dog
I love you forever and always, frontwards and backwards, side to side, up and down and all around
Maria the Mum