Lucy,
You’re five
I have no idea where the time went
Technically, you are not five until tomorrow but wow, you're five
One minute I was staring at a stick with two lines on it and
the next minute I’m sitting at the kitchen table at 11:30 pm making plastic
mice for your birthday party
My eyes are all blurry with tears….my throat hurts from the
lump that swells every time I think of you…and my heart aches because it
is so filled with love and hope for you
And now, the tears slide down my face and no matter how hard
I squeeze my eyes closed or clench my fists, the tears still fall
Not because I’m sad
But because you’re 5
Because you’re five and I feel like it’s going too fast
I feel like I’ve missed so much but I am overwhelmed by how
much is still to come
One minute you need your Dad and I for everything, the next
minute, you tell us you can get dressed by yourself and no thanks, I don’t need
help
And it’s happening so very fast Lucy!
So fast that sometimes it makes my head spin and when I
close my eyes to steady myself, I open them only to discover you’ve grown again
and are slowly but surely exerting your independence
I fear if I blink, you’ll move out of the house
You are our one and only for so many reasons
And the three of us are okay with that – well, you and Daddy
are better with it than I am but I’m getting there
You tell me all the time that you are so glad it’s just us,
Ziggy and your fish Olaf
Mumma! Can it always just be me, you and Daddy? I like it
this way – I like having you all to myself
You do Lucy?
Yeah Mumma, I like having you and Daddy all to myself…and I
like that we can do everything together
So do I Lucy
So it can always be just us Mumma?
Yes honey, no matter what, it will always be us
When I say that Luce, I get a lump in my throat and tears
burn my eyes because in some ways, I think I am denying you something
I feel
like I have failed as a parent to give you a sibling to grow up with, to fight with, to love, to
steal clothes from and to blame when something gets broken
It’s kind of how I feel because I’ve not taken you to
see the Easter Bunny or Santa
And because I’ve not thrown you a big birthday party
somewhere or had a professional photo shoot done with you
It’s this weird self-doubt and loathing parents get…..when
we feel like we are not doing what we can and should be for our children
Yes, I fear that I have failed as a parent because I’ve not
taken you to get your picture taken with the Easter Bunny or Santa
Crazy, I know
But this is what parents do....we beat ourselves up because we are so
worried about denying you some great experience that will make your childhood
complete
Its like some weird switch is flipped in our brain and we momentarily lose sight of the important stuff
We beat ourselves up about the silliest things….and about
some not so silly things
I yelled at you Sunday night because you just would not settle
down while I was reading you stories
You kept interrupting me and asking for a drink and more
snacks
I got so annoyed and frustrated, I dropped (read threw straight down pretty hard onto the wooden floor) your books to the floor
A look of shock registered on your face
You looked at the books on the floor, you looked at me, your bottom lip quivered and oh how you cried
You were not upset I yelled at you, you were upset I threw
your books to the floor
I lost my patience with you but you were.on.my.last.nerve
And I yelled at you
I hate that I’ve become a yeller
I struggle with that all the time Lucy
I try to take a deep breath before I open my mouth because
sometimes I feel like all I do is yell
But then sometimes, you just push me to the edge and I feel
like my only recourse is to yell
Other times, I don’t yell, I just snap at you and get
impatient – I take solace in knowing I’m not the only one that does that
because I’ve heard other parents do the same thing
But I still hate that I do it
So I’m trying honey, I really am
Sometimes when I lose my patience with you, I worry about
the damage I’ve done
Will you remember nothing but me yelling at you, swatting
your butt when you’ve crossed a line?
Will you remember I denied you stories at bed time or the
time we took your beloved Togus the cat away from you for a night?
My friend Pam gave me the best piece of advice not too long
ago – we were talking about some of your outbursts and temper tantrums and she
said Maria, when Lucy gets like that, pick her up and hug her – hold her as
closely and tightly to you as possible – sometimes, that’s what kids like ours
need
Oh how right Pam was!
I’ve said before
Lucy, you’ve had some epic temper tantrums
The slightest thing could and would set you off
There were times you’d go on for hours (like that 5 hour
drive back from Maine that time….)
Sometimes they last seconds, mere minutes
They always involve you crying and yelling – and sometimes
you hit, punch and occasionally bite – those are the worst
Other times, you just throw yourself down on the ground and
cry
A couple times, you’ve bolted from the house and run as fast
as your little legs would carry you in whatever direction your body turned
Daddy and I were always right behind you
Pam said to me hug her Maria, just pull her into you and
hold her tightly...try it she said, just give it a try
So, the next time I saw you gearing up for a nuclear meltdown, I
grabbed you and hugged you as tightly as I could
You fought me at first, kicking, squirming and hitting me
But I held you tighter and just whispered in your ear
I love you Lucy
And I finally felt your body relax against mine and your
breathing returned to normally
You turned your head resting it on my shoulder and rubbed
your hand along my shoulder blade
Sorry Mumma
I know you are honey, but you’re okay now
I love you Mumma
I love you more Lucy
And you didn’t have a tantrum, and I didn’t yell, and no one
ended up in tears
Instead, we snuggled on the couch and when you were ready,
you told me what was wrong
So now, when you are getting upset, and sometimes when I am
getting upset, I just grabbed you and hug you as tightly as I can (and as
you’ll let me)
No matter how many tantrums you have had, and no matter how
many we have had (because don’t be fooled, parents have temper tantrums too, we
just don’t like to admit to it)....No matter how much we took away from you (movies, TV time,
play dates, toys, stories) no matter how loudly we yelled, your love for us,
and ours for you never wavered
It was tested, but we never failed that test – none of us
We will forever and always love you Lucy, no matter what
And I am so sorry for those times when I have failed to be
patient, to not yell and to use my listening ears
I’ll keep trying honey, just as I ask of you, I’ll keep
trying
Sometimes Lucy, I look at you and I feel like I am just
going to explode because I love and adore you so much
Which makes me marvel at mothers with more than one child
I marvel because I wonder how all that love fits in their
heart and in their worlds
And then I start to freak out a bit because my time, our
time, with you is fleeting
I panic because Santa and I only have 3 maybe 4 more
Christmases with you…five if I am really lucky
I get emotional every time I clean out your drawers and closet
to move you up to the next size because you are growing up and try as I might,
I can’t stop it
I don’t want you to turn five
Five puts you closer to ten, ten makes you almost twenty and
then you’ll be thirty and I am so not ready for you to be thirty
I beg and plead with you to stop growing up and you laugh at
me and say
Mumma! Don’t be silly! God wants me to grow up! And I have
to grow up so I can ride in the front seat with you! Besides, I have to turn
five so I can go to kindergarten!
Ok then if you have to grow up Lucy, do you promise you’ll
never leave Daddy and me?
You giggle again
Mumma! I already promised, Ziggy and I will live with you and
Daddy forever!
Pinky Promise?
Mumma!?!
Lucy?!?
Ok ok, Pinky Promise!!!
And you grab my pinky with yours and we shake on it…then you
curl up against me and I breathe in your very being praying to God to freeze
time……to stop the world on its axis so you will forever and always be my Little
Lucy who is 4, not five
But time is not freezing Lucy, the world is still spinning, time is not standing still
You will not be 4 forever and one day, one day way too soon,
you will be on your own
And Daddy and I will be on our own
And I’ll wonder where the time went
And if you are okay
And if you are warm enough
And if you are eating enough
And if you have enough money
I’ll wonder if you’re happy
I’ll wonder if you miss me
I’ll wonder if you remember the time when….
And I’ll look up at the moon and know that somewhere in this
big world, a little piece of me is out there,
doing what she does best
I’ll know that there is a piece of me, a piece of your Dad,
out there in the world being Lucy as only you can be
Happy Fifth Birthday Lucy
As always, your Dad and I are so proud of you
And so honored to be your Mum and Dad
You are so excited to five; I hope you never lose that sense
of excitement
I hope you are forever and always as curious and inquisitive
as you are right now
I hope that as you grow, the empathy and compassion you
display grows with you
I hope you have as much joy in your life as you have brought to ours
I hope you continue to sharpen your keen sense and
sensibility; especially the one you have about the people you allow into your
life
I hope the passion you have for books, for learning, for
writing and for drawing continues to grow and flourish with you
I hope you continue to love unconditionally
I hope you grow stronger in your sense of being, of who you
are
And I hope you stick by that sense no matter what others may
think or say
I hope the light, love, devotion, honesty and integrity that
rules your heart and head today and is the very essence of your being is as
appreciated by the world as it is by your Dad and me
And I hope, more than anything Lucy Ellen, I hope you
continue to bring to my life, and to Daddy’s life, direction, balance, love,
laughs, tears, fears, joy and peace
Thank you Lucy for being our daughter
Thank you for what you have brought to our lives…and thank
you for what you will bring
We love you to the moon and back a hundred times over
All our love and God’s blessings