Thursday, March 26, 2015

Lucky Duck

**Disclaimer: The first time I posted this blog entry, which is supposed to be titled Lucky Duck, I wrote Lucy Duck....and Lucy is so not a duck...though she is pretty lucky to have me as a Mum....a hot mess of a Mum......

Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop 

I’m guessing when Mama Kat put this prompt out there, she was not trolling for stories about the time(s) I got lucky (said in my best Andrew Dice Clay voice in my head you know whatta I mean right?)

I think instead, she would like to hear about a time lady luck was on my side

Like maybe I won a 50/50 raffle or better yet, hit the mega millions jackpot

Or maybe one time I got bumped up to first class for a trans-Atlantic flight

Or maybe I struck up a conversation with a guy in line at the bank and he found me witty and charming
and gave me my dream job

Or that time I met an heiress and she let me use her house on her private island for a month for absolutely nothing in exchange  

Or the time a publishing house stumbled across my blog, realized I was a comedic genius, declared me to be the next Erma Bombeck, and offered me a book deal

I think that is the luck she would like to hear about

Me too

None of that has happened

Not even close

Although one time, when I was traveling, someone offered to switch seats with me so I could have the aisle seat – he knew I had less than 40 minutes to make my connection and he wanted me to be able to get off the plane quickly

And though I did get off the plane quickly, I tripped and fell as I was running to the other gate
I hit my head and my knee so hard I laid on the ground for ten minutes writhing in pain and trying to get my wits about me
Then, I made it to my gate with three minutes to spare to find out that the gate had been changed
And it was two down from the gate I had come in on as opposed to an entirely different terminal

I missed my flight

Another time, my ticket number did get called at the 50/50 raffle
But when I got up there to claim the prize money of almost $5,000(!) the guy was all like oh shit, sorry, we reversed two of the numbers, you are not the winner

And in line at the bank I was one time offered a job…..for the night……if you know whatta I mean

But I’m lucky in other ways

Like I think I’m lucky when I am not first in line at the red light

When you are first in line, there’s all this pressure to go as soon as that light turns green
And by as soon as that light turns green, I mean a nano second before it turns green because in Massachusetts, we don’t care if our light is green, we’re watching your light
We’re craning our heads to see if your light has turned red and as soon as we see that light flick, we step on it

So when I’m first in line at the red light, I actually get really stressed out because I know if I don’t move when that light changes, horns will start blaring, arms will be flailing, people will be yelling and I’ll get flipped off by at least five people including two pedestrians who are watching the whole thing is going down

My palms sweat, my insides start churning and next thing I know, I’m revving my engine like I’m at the start line of the Indy 500
I’m leaning forward on my steering wheel gripping it with all my might just waiting all aflutter for that light to change color
And then I get so worked up I accidentally jump the light only to realize halfway through my turn that I should so not be moving
So then I slam on my brakes which means the guy behind me has to slam on his because don’t think he was watching the light – oh no – he was watching me and a soon as I went, he went and now it’s anarchy

So I think I am very lucky when I am second in line at the red light

I also consider myself lucky when I get Pete the bagger at Market Basket
He is the only one who can efficiently pack my groceries in the reusable bags without squishing any produce, breaking open a yogurt container or somehow managing to get the one loaf of bread I bought into the bag with all the canned goods

It doesn’t happen very often but getting Pete as my bagger is like getting a Republican controlled Congress

I also think I’m lucky when I get to the grocery store and they’ve just put out the freshly baked bread You know the long French bread that’s nice and crusty on the outside but soft on the inside (not the baguette, the big loaf)

It is still warm when I pick it up and smells heavenly

I toss it in the cart and tear through the last three aisles as the aroma is teasing me to the brink of insanity
Sometimes I make it through the last few aisle without breaking a piece off, sometimes I don’t

But man, am I lucky I got that fresh bread because I wallowed in that aroma for ten whole minutes before it cooled off and was just another loaf of cold crusty bread

I also think I am a pretty lucky duck when I make it through a social event without doing something to embarrass myself, my husband, the person sitting next to me or the person I’m talking to

And by that I mean I make it through an event without insulting anyone, spilling anything down my front, or someone else’s front, calling someone by the wrong name, or calling them a name

I mean really, that is a good night out for me

I think I am lucky when I walk into the laundry room just as the washing machine sings me that little song to tell me it is done washing, rinsing and spinning and I can now flip that load on over to the dryer and start the next load without having to come back downstairs

Lucky because chances are, I’ll forget to come back downstairs and the laundry will sit in the washer for two days when I finally remember it and then I have to wash it again because man does it stink

I think lady luck loves me when I walk into Dunkin Donuts and they have Chocolate Butter crunch donuts because that is like my favorite donut in the whole wide world and they are nearly impossible to find

And I don’t even really like donuts

But for that donut, for that donut I would walk……..I was going to say across hot coals but if I were to do that, with  my luck, my skirt would catch on fire

So I would cross a busy street for that donut

But only if there is a cross walk because if I were not at the cross walk, it would be the one day a cop with a quota to meet would be standing there and I’d get ticketed for jaywalking

Then I’d go to court and fight it only to get a little too antagonistic with the judge and then I’d be held in contempt

Then I’d get thrown into a holding cell and next thing I know, orange is my new black

See why I don’t like donuts

I think I am lucky when I go somewhere and discover that I don’t have to parallel park or back into the parking sport

I’d rather park and walk a mile then be forced to parallel park or back into a parking spot
And I have one of those camera things in my car

But with my luck, it would cut to commercial just as I was lining myself up to park

But I still think I’m lucky
Do you know how many times I have seen Neil Diamond in concert
I mean even once makes me pretty darn lucky but I have seen him a grand total of 9 times
Nine times
I mean that is like, wow, Neil Diamond nine times in concert…..unbelievable

I’ve seen the Red Sox win the Series not once, not twice but three times
That’s either luck or one of the seven signs

Look, I am so lucky that one time, when I was in the drunk tank, I met this guy who was not only a Red Sox fan but was also a Neil Diamond fan
We ended up hanging out together for like two years
We even went to a Neil Diamond concert together

And then, he got me out of jury duty
I mean how lucky is that

Sure, he got me out of it because the jury was being picked for him and I had to admit to knowing him And yes, I was then questioned about some other things and my whereabouts
And I may or may not have been detained for a day

But, I got out of jury duty

That was pretty lucky

I’ve got my family, my friends, and my health
I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table
I have a job, insurance, a 401k, no criminal record
Sure, maybe I have a bit of a checkered past but it makes for great small talk

I’ve got my five senses and my wits about me
Though a couple senses may be slightly dulled and sometimes my wits are close to the end

But I still wake up every day to see the sun rise and make it to the end of the day to see the sun set and that in and of itself makes me pretty darn lucky

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

I am the World's Worst Wedding Date

Write a blog post inspired by the word: Embarrassed

Quite some time back, I wrote this little gem

The highlights include the time I took my skirt off in an elevator, knocked over a display of gravy and tried to blame a kid, and called a guy I was seeing by the wrong name for weeks (he dumped me)

But please, it does not stop there

I have even more in my arsenal:

There was the time I wrote my grandmother’s obituary
When I listed the names of the grandchildren, I used the name of my cousin’s first wife as opposed to his current wife

The time I bought my then boyfriend a suggestive card for his birthday and accidentally gave it to a co-worker for his birthday

Then there was the time I catcalled my husband on the street only to realize it was not him

Another time, I struck up a conversation with someone in line at the grocery store
I was noticeably pregnant and rubbing my belly as only pregnant women do
When she asked me when I was due, I said with a totally straight face
I’m not pregnant
She was mortified 
Her eyes got watery and she gasped covering her mouth with her hands
She dropped her eyes to the ground and and before I could explain I was joking, she just walked (read jogged at a fast pace) away leaving her full cart 

One time, I went to the wrong wedding reception
I was at a wedding with a guy I had been seeing for a few months
It was his cousin’s (the bride) wedding and the first time I was meeting his family
The Church was lovely, the cocktail hour was fantastic fun
By the time we were being seated for dinner, I had won over his parents, his grandparents, his brother and sister-in-law and his older sister (who was in the wedding party) thought I was perfect for her brother
I was a hit
Just before we were to head to our table for dinner to be served, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room
What table are we sitting at I asked my dashing date (I was convinced by now I would be the next one walking down the aisle)
Table 6 he replied
He kissed my cheek
They love you he excitedly whispered in my ear as he squeezed my hand
I grinned and glided off to the bathroom
When I returned, I floated to Table 6
Only to realize I did not recognize anyone at the table
But no problem!
His immediate family loved me! 
This would be a piece of cake
I introduced myself to everyone at the table
Friends and a couple more cousins of the bride
We chatted, we broke bread, we had our salad
And then someone made a toast
And the names of the bride and groom were not what they were when I left the room
And as I scanned the room, I realized I recognized no one
And as I panned the table, I realized I was the only one without a date
So I excused myself to the rest room
And this time, when I headed back to the reception, I went left instead of right

Another time, I was at a wedding seated at the same table as a woman I went to high school with
I had not seen her in years
But I knew she had gotten married and had two children
So we’re making small talk and I ask to see photos of the kids
Her daughter was the spitting image of her and I said so much out loud  
When I flipped to the picture of her son, I glanced up at the man beside her (who had not been introduced) and commented, how handsome….he looks like Dad I said as I gestured to the man sitting next to her
Oh, no she said, he’s not their Dad….I’m no longer with their Dad….

Another time, I was at a wedding as the date of a friend
The friend, who is gay, unbeknownst to me, had not come out to his family and friends
So midway through the cocktail hour, and by cocktail hour I mean the hour between the ceremony and the reception during which time beer in a can was being served after being fished out of a makeshift cooler which I am pretty sure was an old bathtub filled with ice on a dolly, one of his aunts asked how long we had been together
Been together I asked laughingly
If only I declared with great enthusiasm
And so started my monologue 
He would be the perfect boyfriend! He’s handsome, smart, funny, he cooks and cleans and has a knack for accessorizing….but well, who are we kidding, he’d rather I be 5 years younger, 6’3 with washboard abs and a constant 5 o’clock shadow..…and it would help if I looked good in drag….and knew all of Cher’s songs by heart….but I am the one who watches Golden Girls with him all night long and that counts for something right….and he calls me to kill the spiders…so there’s that too…
I trailed off when I realized that everyone had gone quiet and they were all staring at me with mouths agape
One aunt may or may not have been choking on a pig in a blanket
His Dad was beet red 
His two cousins were stifling giggles
His brother's beer was poised in midair halfway to his mouth 
His mother was looking down at the ground shaking her head 
And his grandmother who was a bit hard of hearing says to his sister-in-law she does look like she got dragged, what is she wearing?!?
My “date” was standing behind my audience with his eyes all wide and bugged out
Why are you looking at me like that I asked him, it’s not like they don’t know you’re…….oh……shit
Who wants to shotgun a beer?!?!?!?

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Dear Sean, not Dear John

An open letter to my husband because sometimes, we just need to give credit where credit is due 
Sean, you are due this and so much more 

Dear Sean 

Thank you 

I know the last few months have not been easy 
I know that I have been emotional, moody, at times downright difficult, irrational and unreasonable
I know that I have been up and down and down and up more times than I should have been 
I know that I have been indecisive, borderline whiny and spent countless hours feeling sorry for myself 

I know that Christmas was a total fiasco
I know that I have been hard on you and Lucy, and harder on myself than I should have been 
I know that I have been impatient, sad and mad for no apparent reasons
I know that I have lashed out at you and hurt you for reasons I can't explain 

But you have been steadfast

You are as patient as you can be given all the circumstances
You have listened while I ranted and raved and cried and yelled and wallowed
You have coddled me when I needed it, left me alone when I needed to be alone 
You assumed all duties while I slept my sadness away  

And then when it was time, you told me to stop crying and wallowing 
You gave hard line tough love just when I needed it most
And you have vowed to stand beside me and support me no matter what or where the next step takes me 
Because above all, you want me to be happy

You have loved me unconditionally 

Through all my moods
Through my tears, my laughter, my bad jokes and sarcasm 
Through pounds gained lost, gained and lost again
Through three hair colors and now just graying hair 
Through two world series wins, two presidential/governor elections (and we know how I get with those) and a Senate election I am still convinced was rigged 

Thank you 

For making me smile
For reminding me I am worth more than I realize 
For giving me credit for being good at my job, good as a mother and good as a wife 
For making Lucy laugh with sheer joy as you play dragon school in the basement or construct elaborate marble are the best playmate she have no idea how that warms my heart and makes my soul smile 

Thank you 

For fixing everything Lucy and I break
For being tall enough to reset the smoke detector when I set it off 
For having arms long and gangly enough to reach what ever has fallen over in the back of the top shelf in the pantry and/or linen closet 
For setting up the remote control so I only have to use one instead of five.....and for fixing /reprogramming it when I screw it up 

Thank you 

For making the bed every day and for changing the beds every week because I hate making the beds
For vacuuming (and for the new Dyson) 
For emptying the dishwasher and  putting away the Tupperware 
For switching the laundry around and carrying the overfilled baskets up and down two flights of stairs 
For giving me Netflix and Hulu 

Thank you Sean 

Thank you for asking me to be your wife 
Thank you for making me a mother 
Thank you for raising this little Lucy creature with me
Thank you for holding my hand and for loving me as unconditionally as you have 

In a few short weeks, it will be ten years we have been together 

I am not sure I remember ten years without you 

So because I will forget on our actual anniversary in April and because I can't remember our actual wedding date (is it 26th and 2007 or 27th and 2006), Happy Every Anniversary we have together

Happy Every Day we have together

Every day we have together somehow trumps those anniversary dates....because more than anything, I want every day with you 

I will be, forever and always, be beholden to you...and not just because of the whole green card thing
But because I adore you, treasure you, value you and appreciate you 

You have my heart 
You have my love


Monday, March 2, 2015

Abraham Who

The first reading at Mass on Sunday was about Abraham, when he was asked to sacrifice his only son Isaac

Lucy, who has half listening and mostly fidgeting tugs on my sleeve halfway through the second reading


What honey I asked in a strained whisper 

She looked at me quite puzzled and asked as quietly as possible

Why are they talking about Abraham Lincoln in Church?


Why were they talking about Abraham Lincoln in Church? I thought Church was about God and Jesus?!?!?!