Thursday, November 8, 2012

Boy Was My Face Red!

From Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous World Famous Writer's Workshop

5.) Share an embarrassing moment (these are always fun to read)

I'm pretty sure my life is just one big embarrassing moment.....which means I don't get too embarrassed though I do from time to time feel badly for doing whatever it is I've done

Like last week when I introduced a Mom at daycare to my husband and used the wrong name for her (I used the name of another Mom I met at the same time)
She graciously corrected me and said don't worry, it happens all the time...
Which I'm not sure how given that the other woman is Indian and she is not

Then there was my very first job interview ever
I stepped into the filled to capacity elevator and asked someone to press floor 15...I was going straight to the top!
I decided to make small talk and said to the fellow next to me,

You're headed to 15 too?
Yes he sort of grunted
Hope it’s not your job I'm interviewing for (har har har)
Your skirt is caught in the door he replies
What? I yell, Oh my God! Shit!!!

Now instead of just giving the skirt a gentle tug, or possibly just letting it stay there, I drop two more expletives and nimbly slip out of my skirt and let it fall to the floor

And by nimbly I mean yanking it down as fast as I could thereby ripping off the button while falling into the man beside (me whose job I had just threatened) because my shoe got caught in the skirt as I tried to yank it off

He fell into the two men in very expensive suits next to him who pushed the woman next to them backwards who fell on top of the woman next to her who turned out to be the Director of the Center

I did all this to avoid being pulled up off the elevator floor...which in hindsight I'm sure probably would not have happened

I had to go through my interview with the top of my skirt rolled down into my underwear so it would not fall off and then, I was sent down the hall to take a competency test administered by the woman who was pushed by the two men into the Director
Then, I had to go to HR and was paired up with the guy whose job I threatened

I got the job and on my first day, during Orientation, the Director came in to address the class of recruits and she did a double take when she saw me in the third row

At lunch, the class decided to all go out together
We were standing at the elevator when the Director walked out with two other people

She said hello to us and when the doors opened, we waited for her to get on the elevator before we moved

Instead, Rita turned, looked at me and said

I really think it would be best if you get in first......

Then there was the time I rammed (accidentally) my grocery cart into a display of gravy jars which of course fell over breaking at least 7 jars....of maybe 10
Gravy splattered everywhere and at least 6 or more jars rolled down the aisle
When someone from the store came over, I blamed the kid who had just gone running out of the aisle laughing at me as I slipped through the gravy trying to hold up the rest of the display

Another time, I farted in front of my co-workers (and by another time, I mean like two weeks ago) while I was imitating the way someone in our office comes bounding down the hallway

And then there was the time I had just given birth to Lucy
I invited a friend and her husband to come to the hospital to see me (which I don't remember doing, I was pretty out of it)
At some point, I have no idea how, I accidentally flashed my friend's husband - he still can't look me in the eye
I however have no recollection of it happening so I'm good

Not too long ago, I wrote a heartfelt post about going to England and how much I enjoyed this one particular place....and I spelled the name of it wrong in my post....and published it......

And here's why I was single for so long:

One time, I went out with this guy like 3 times - and really liked him - I thought it was going well

He lived in my apartment building in Naperville
We met when he helped me with a bag I had dropped down three flights of stairs - nothing says Hey! Wanna go out with me?!? like a box of tampons, new underwear, a scale and a bag of snack size Snickers

On our fourth date, I thought hmm, he really likes me - he laughs at my jokes, we like the same books and movies....this has potential

After dinner, he walked me back to my car
I thought he was going to come in for a kiss but instead he says

I'm not so sure I want to keep seeing you

Oh, okay....I say and just sort of trailed off because really, what was I supposed to say

Look, you make me laugh, you are fun to be with and it doesn't even bother me our politics are way different......well, it’s just that we've been on 4 dates and had at least a dozen phone conversations and you're still calling me by the wrong name and when I correct you, you still call me by the wrong name

Wait what? You're name isn't Tom?

No, it's Noel

Oooohhh, I thought you were saying No well....I wondered why you kept saying No, well after I said something but then never followed up with anything...
Like I was waiting for you to make your point about No well what...... but you never did -
So your name is Noel?
Shit...who's Tom?
Why was I calling you Tom?

I have no idea

It's not your last name?

Uhh, no

Oh shit, well  look, I am so sorry..... maybe someday we can laugh about this?

No I don't think so...I think it just means you aren't a good listener....and that's sort of important to me

True - fair point - you're right.....
Are you sure your name isn't Tom?


No well what?

Maria the Mum


  1. You freaking rock. No well...hi Tom :)

  2. The single most hilarious piece you've ever written. I was practically crying which was awkward given that I'm working with people I only just met this morning.

  3. You are a living breathing episode of Seinfeld! And I mean that in a good way.

    You deserved that job for having the fortitude to go ahead with the interview and _of all things_ competency test after that elevator ride.

  4. Oh my gosh, I seriously laugh out loud. This was hilarious! Maria, I don't know you, but I will definitely be reading your blog in the future!

  5. Ah, your transparency is fabulous here!


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