Sooner than later, it will be my birthday
And by sooner I mean in one hour and fifteen minutes as its 10:45pm
Last year I turned 40 so it stands to reason, this year, I'll be 41
And I had just gotten used to saying I'm 40
Not that I had a huge issue with turning 40, it was more like I did not feel 40
Not that I am a total healthy nut or anything with the body of a 25 year old and the metabolism of a lab rat on coke (though I have lost 41.8lbs since the first of February)
I mean like I am not convinced I am mature enough to be 40
I still call people dude
Any conversation centered on farting makes me laugh
The fact that I even have conversations about farting should be proof enough that I am not mature enough to be 40
The word dink makes me giggle
And if you say vagina or penis, I blush a little
At work, we speak in terms which include butt welds, nipples and rods.....I can't say any of those things without snickering just a bit
And we used to have a customer called Lecoq Cuisine
When the customer called, it was always a guy called Dick
So he'd call and say This is Dick with Lecoq Cuisine
And I would, no kidding, start laughing so hard I had to hang up on him on more than one occasion
I still act out songs (picture my sister Teresa and I singing Total Eclipse of the Heart while acting it out in our parents living room...totally happened this past weekend)
I use Lucy's hair brush as my microphone (Lucy just rolls her eyes at me)
There's a guy in my office, we're pretty much the same age and when we're together, we behave like 14 year olds
He'll come in my office and we'll have a conversation via song
He'll come in and say Hey Maria, you know what I'm trying to do but I can't?
And I'll say You can't smile without me can you?
And he'll say that's right and I can't laugh and I can't sing
And I'll ask are you finding it hard to do anything?
I also bust out with random movie lines from my favorite 80's flick - usually at totally inappropriate moments....
Like last week, I was in a meeting that got sort of intense
Someone in the room asked if there were anymore questions and I was all, Yes, actually, I have a question for so and so
And I turn and look at him and say in my most serious voice,
Does Barry Manilow know you raided his closet?
I get giddy at the thought if giving gifts - so much so that I usually crack and tell you what it is before you even have a chance to open it
I get so excited that I'll bug you a hundred times to open your birthday gift from me even though your birthday is still a week away
And then once you open it, I'm all deflated and think there should be more
And then I'll buy you another gift for you to open on your actual birthday
Which means we'll go through the whole cycle again and by the time your birthday rolls round, I've spent a ton of money and you'll have roughly 4 gifts........three of which you probably won't even need or like
I still think that I could be Michelle Pfeiffer circa Dangerous Minds....
And I still kind of sort of want to live life like they did on Friends
I'm also pretty sure that at any moment, I will be asked to play in a Women's Baseball League and Madonna will sing the soundtrack to my life
Or say I meet you and I ask where are you from
And you say I'm from blah blah blah in Minnesota
I'll respond with Oh Wow! I knew a guy from Minnesota; we were trainers together - his name was Jeff......do you know him?
And sadly, I'm being serious....I do in fact think you know him because you are both from the same state
And I wait for you to answer
Staring all intently at you
And you finally realize I'm serious and you say Oh, wait, you're serious?
And I'll say something not so smart like Well yeah - I mean what are the chances of you being from Minnesota and me having worked with someone from then
And you'll just stare at me and think Bless her heart, someone lets her be in charge of a 4 year old
Sometimes, just for fun, when Sean or Lucy starts talking, I'll start talking too
Just jibber jabber.....you know I sort of talk over them
And when they stop, I stop
And when they try to speak again, I let them get two words out them start repeating what they're saying
They laugh the first two sentences but by sentence 5, well, we never do finish the conversation
So not mature
But I do it
I'm not sure how I got here, how I got to 40....I mean I get how I turned 40 I just always thought that by the time I got to my 40s, I'd be a bit more mature
But I'm not
Sure, I'm a Mum, a Wife and I just got promoted at work (don't be too impressed, I just got a fancier title)
But I am not convinced I am mature enough to be 40
Kicker is regardless of how immature I appear to be, I apparently still have to turn 41....
Not cool Universe, not cool
Holy crap...I'm 41......
Maria the Mum