Friday, July 20, 2012

This little light of mine

Sean calls me every morning after he drops Lucy off at School
He tells me how she was, which teacher was on, what activity Lucy started in on and who else was there (kids)
Then we just chat about what we have coming up that day, what we should do over the weekend or some other pressing issue that needs our attention that we did not get to the day before

This morning, as were driving, I let out a huge sigh and said to my husband

The closer I get to the office, the more I feel the life being sucked out of the marrow of my bones

He laughed

Honey, I said, I'm serious, this is serious! This is not funny! Please stop laughing at me! My will to live is being sucked away from me as we speak (i look out the window convinced I will see bits and pieces of my will to live hovering over the car)

He laughed harder....and then tried to tell me it was a sympathetic laugh.....I do not think there is such thing as a sympathetic laugh

Sean! I'm serious! I can feel my will to live being sucked out of my very being!
The closer I get to the office, the more faint and woozy and light headed I feel
Now I know how Superman feels when he is in the presence of kryptonite
I could totally evaporate right here right now

Still, no words of encouragement from my husband, my life partner, my rock, because he was too busy laughing at me

Sean! I'm not kidding! Now I can't breathe (my breathing is now rapid and shallow)

So you just pulled into the office then huh?

Yes! And I think I may pass out........
 I.............(heave a sigh)
..................................can't......(gulp for air)
...........................................................breathe......(exhale and wait to pass out)..................

I put the car in park and close my eyes

I think I may just rest here for a few minutes, you know, just close my eyes and take a nap (its barely 20 of 8)

That's a good idea says my husband all supportive like

Think anyone would notice? I ask

You mean that your car is in the parking lot and you are no where to be found? Don't you think they'd notice that Maria?

Actually no, no I don't
I think they would notice my car is here
I think they would realize I am not anywhere to be found
But I'm not sure how hard they would look
And I think they would all stand around and say funny, there is Maria's car but where is Maria?
But no one would come looking because no would would want to take on the responsibility or accountability for finding me!
Because then, they might actually be held accountable for something!
No one would want to go beyond the scope of their job and look but, rest assured they will stand around for 20 minutes trying to decide what should be done but will never determine who should do it!

Wow......latent anger much?!?

Yeah, you should take a rest says Sean, take a couple minutes to regroup and then go in

So we say our good byes, declare our love for one another and I reclined my chair, closed my eyes, inhaled, exhaled, started to pray

I felt myself relaxing
I felt my will to live slowly reconvening in my body and soul
I was pretty sure if I opened my eyes, I would see St Jude sitting next to me praying along with me

The I got a text from my co -worker telling me she was running a bit late....then I got a second text asking me if I was almost to the office as something needed my attention
Then, I looked up and saw a turkey lurking to the right of my car

Really? Seriously? Are you kidding me?

God bless us and save us this day I say aloud

I haul myself out of the car keeping the turkey in my eyesight
Slip into my office without turning on the lights and take care of the pressing issue I was texted about 
Then, I sat in the darkness of my office to finish my prayer

I heard a voice at the end of the hall say her office light is not on, she's not here yet

I almost yelled out yes I am, I'm right here
But I stopped myself
I needed a minute, I needed to finish my prayer and meditation
And, if I say nothing, they will not know I am here
Better yet, if I don't turn my office light on, no one will know I'm here as they don't even walk down the hall to see if my office is occupied
They simply stand at the end of the hall and look for the light to be on


We're all just looking for light

I still don't call out
I'm praying
I'm asking God and Jesus and all the Saints to please help me be more patient, more kind, gentle and loving
I'm asking, begging, for the patience of Job to be bestowed upon me
I'm praying and asking God that if I need to be some one's light, please, please give me the strength the wisdom and the patience to do so
Please God, give me the strength and courage and will to get up out of this chair and turn this light on so they know I am here

It took a bit but I turned my light on

I'm here

And I was just asked if I want to be here today by a co-worker

Totally I say, need help with anything?

Maria the Mum


  1. This made me laugh and it made me sad. I know the feeling. You drive the train - you will find a way to feel the life flowing into you as you get closer to work (some other job) one day. xo

  2. De: know what you mean. I laugh and cry at the same time.... A LOT!
    Sean: If you did not laugh at my pain and suffering, I would be concerned you did not care!


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