Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Don't Let The Turkeys Get You Down

I hate Audits

I have an Audit today
My nerves are shot, I’m sick to my stomach and it’s taking all my strength to not turn my head and projectile vomit all over the place

And even though I know we have little or nothing to worry about, because we do what it is we are supposed to do, audits still make me sick to my stomach
I’ve tried to maintain peace and order in all other aspects of my life for the past week as I prepare for it as I can only handle one disturbance in the force at a time

Apparently, the force did not get the memo
On my drive in this morning, the morning of my Audit, one mile from the office, the gentleman in front of me decided he wanted to make a left hand turn

So he came to a complete and total hard stop even though there was no oncoming traffic and he was turning into a parking lot that had an entrance the size of Texas

He came to a complete stop, counted to 10 (as did I) and then made his turn
I of course, when he came to his complete and total stop for no apparent reason as there was no oncoming traffic, also hit my brakes….a bit harder than I normally would but, he had come to a complete and total stop for no apparent reason therefore, I did too

As a direct result, my tote bag tumbled from the seat on which it was perched and landed in the well of the passenger seat with the items on top spilling out (and we all know what is in this tote bag so imagine the mess I had to clean up)
As I pulled into the office, I ran through a mental check list of things I had to do before 8 as I was picking up my tote bag and its contents: make sure I have tax returns out, chart of accounts printed, power of attorney form signed, sales reports printed, process payroll before auditor gets here, pray, poop, print tax form from Jill, email bosses about other taxes and call Gary, answers two emails and pray one more time, the rosary if I have time

I threw the last item into my tote bag, sat up and in front of my car was a big old Wild Turkey staring at me

I go to open my door and am met with a bit of resistance....not like a ton of bricks but enough so I stop trying to open said door, look out the window and staring me back in the face is Wild Turkey #2
Oh, hello I say

Please, I have an audit, can you move

Wild Turkey #2 stands there; Wild Turkey Number #1 is now pacing in front of my car
I have gas (a direct result of my nerves being shot and my stomach in knots…and the new found fear of not just the audit but being pecked by turkeys…..and that I’m 40)

I try to open the door again nudging #2 just enough to get him to move out of my way
It does not work

Instead, he starts yelling at me while jutting his head/neck in what I perceive to be a threat to my safety and well being
I close the door recoiling in fear, frustration and yes, slight amusement because if this is going to happen to anyone on the day of an Audit, it is going to be me

Turkey #1 is still in front of my car pacing
We make eye contact

He stops moving and stares at me for a good 15 seconds
I don’t dare to move or break this gaze we are locked in

I will not let him bully me
And the, he starts yelling at me (Gobble gobble GOBBLE Gobble, GOBble. GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE) and sort of flaps his wings threatening me:  You wanna piece of me?!? You screw with my friend, you screw with me!

#2 is just standing at my door, staring at me and every once in awhile, juts his head towards me, threatening me, taunting me, daring me…..
Are you kidding me? I have an audit; please you guys…………let me out! I have a checklist!

I wait a couple minutes and honk my horn thinking that will scare them off
It sort of had the opposite effect – you know when one monkey in the lab starts screeching and they all start screeching? That’s what happened

2 more minutes pass and now I’m sweating…I have an audit and I have to poop and I am losing valuable time
#1 is now no where to be seen – I look around wildly trying to get a visual

He’s disappeared........what if he’s on top of the car waiting to attack when I try to open the door again? What if he’s behind the car and is going to lunge at me when I walk (read run) to the office?
I get my game face on and start opening my car door again nudging (gently you PETA people who may be reading) Turkey #2 with my door trying to get him to move

He moves enough that I can get out but still has not left and he’s gone all quiet…like he’s mentally preparing himself for battle
I don’t make eye contact and turn towards the office ready to sprint (read run awkwardly across the parking lot with my tote bag and coffee)

I don’t see #1
I dash to the front door of the office not looking back (but using the door as a mirror to keep an eye on #2 who is not moving and keeping a lookout for #1 should he decided to reappear)

Door is locked
Fumble with keys

Get key in door – wrong way!
Turn the key over

#2 is slowly moving towards me

Do not panic

Key in door
Turning key

The other way! Turn it the other way!
Throw open office door

Narrowly miss banging my face into it as I dart inside

Consider an army commando role to shake off any turkey that has followed me in but don’t want to spill coffee

So I just throw myself against the door and lock it to keep turkeys out

Unlock door as I do not want co-worker who comes in next to ask why is the door locked and I have to say uhh, I locked it to keep the turkeys out as that would just be awkward

Slide against wall into office (in case #1 is on lookout...this will totally keep him from seeing me) and look through blinds to see if turkeys are still there

One is still circling my car

Who knows where the other one is
I hate audits.....and turkeys.....

Maria the Mum

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