Thursday, March 26, 2015

Lucky Duck

**Disclaimer: The first time I posted this blog entry, which is supposed to be titled Lucky Duck, I wrote Lucy Duck....and Lucy is so not a duck...though she is pretty lucky to have me as a Mum....a hot mess of a Mum......

Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop 

I’m guessing when Mama Kat put this prompt out there, she was not trolling for stories about the time(s) I got lucky (said in my best Andrew Dice Clay voice in my head you know whatta I mean right?)

I think instead, she would like to hear about a time lady luck was on my side

Like maybe I won a 50/50 raffle or better yet, hit the mega millions jackpot

Or maybe one time I got bumped up to first class for a trans-Atlantic flight

Or maybe I struck up a conversation with a guy in line at the bank and he found me witty and charming
and gave me my dream job

Or that time I met an heiress and she let me use her house on her private island for a month for absolutely nothing in exchange  

Or the time a publishing house stumbled across my blog, realized I was a comedic genius, declared me to be the next Erma Bombeck, and offered me a book deal

I think that is the luck she would like to hear about

Me too

None of that has happened

Not even close

Although one time, when I was traveling, someone offered to switch seats with me so I could have the aisle seat – he knew I had less than 40 minutes to make my connection and he wanted me to be able to get off the plane quickly

And though I did get off the plane quickly, I tripped and fell as I was running to the other gate
I hit my head and my knee so hard I laid on the ground for ten minutes writhing in pain and trying to get my wits about me
Then, I made it to my gate with three minutes to spare to find out that the gate had been changed
And it was two down from the gate I had come in on as opposed to an entirely different terminal

I missed my flight

Another time, my ticket number did get called at the 50/50 raffle
But when I got up there to claim the prize money of almost $5,000(!) the guy was all like oh shit, sorry, we reversed two of the numbers, you are not the winner

And in line at the bank I was one time offered a job…..for the night……if you know whatta I mean

But I’m lucky in other ways

Like I think I’m lucky when I am not first in line at the red light

When you are first in line, there’s all this pressure to go as soon as that light turns green
And by as soon as that light turns green, I mean a nano second before it turns green because in Massachusetts, we don’t care if our light is green, we’re watching your light
We’re craning our heads to see if your light has turned red and as soon as we see that light flick, we step on it

So when I’m first in line at the red light, I actually get really stressed out because I know if I don’t move when that light changes, horns will start blaring, arms will be flailing, people will be yelling and I’ll get flipped off by at least five people including two pedestrians who are watching the whole thing is going down

My palms sweat, my insides start churning and next thing I know, I’m revving my engine like I’m at the start line of the Indy 500
I’m leaning forward on my steering wheel gripping it with all my might just waiting all aflutter for that light to change color
And then I get so worked up I accidentally jump the light only to realize halfway through my turn that I should so not be moving
So then I slam on my brakes which means the guy behind me has to slam on his because don’t think he was watching the light – oh no – he was watching me and a soon as I went, he went and now it’s anarchy

So I think I am very lucky when I am second in line at the red light

I also consider myself lucky when I get Pete the bagger at Market Basket
He is the only one who can efficiently pack my groceries in the reusable bags without squishing any produce, breaking open a yogurt container or somehow managing to get the one loaf of bread I bought into the bag with all the canned goods

It doesn’t happen very often but getting Pete as my bagger is like getting a Republican controlled Congress

I also think I’m lucky when I get to the grocery store and they’ve just put out the freshly baked bread You know the long French bread that’s nice and crusty on the outside but soft on the inside (not the baguette, the big loaf)

It is still warm when I pick it up and smells heavenly

I toss it in the cart and tear through the last three aisles as the aroma is teasing me to the brink of insanity
Sometimes I make it through the last few aisle without breaking a piece off, sometimes I don’t

But man, am I lucky I got that fresh bread because I wallowed in that aroma for ten whole minutes before it cooled off and was just another loaf of cold crusty bread

I also think I am a pretty lucky duck when I make it through a social event without doing something to embarrass myself, my husband, the person sitting next to me or the person I’m talking to

And by that I mean I make it through an event without insulting anyone, spilling anything down my front, or someone else’s front, calling someone by the wrong name, or calling them a name

I mean really, that is a good night out for me

I think I am lucky when I walk into the laundry room just as the washing machine sings me that little song to tell me it is done washing, rinsing and spinning and I can now flip that load on over to the dryer and start the next load without having to come back downstairs

Lucky because chances are, I’ll forget to come back downstairs and the laundry will sit in the washer for two days when I finally remember it and then I have to wash it again because man does it stink

I think lady luck loves me when I walk into Dunkin Donuts and they have Chocolate Butter crunch donuts because that is like my favorite donut in the whole wide world and they are nearly impossible to find

And I don’t even really like donuts

But for that donut, for that donut I would walk……..I was going to say across hot coals but if I were to do that, with  my luck, my skirt would catch on fire

So I would cross a busy street for that donut

But only if there is a cross walk because if I were not at the cross walk, it would be the one day a cop with a quota to meet would be standing there and I’d get ticketed for jaywalking

Then I’d go to court and fight it only to get a little too antagonistic with the judge and then I’d be held in contempt

Then I’d get thrown into a holding cell and next thing I know, orange is my new black

See why I don’t like donuts

I think I am lucky when I go somewhere and discover that I don’t have to parallel park or back into the parking sport

I’d rather park and walk a mile then be forced to parallel park or back into a parking spot
And I have one of those camera things in my car

But with my luck, it would cut to commercial just as I was lining myself up to park

But I still think I’m lucky
Do you know how many times I have seen Neil Diamond in concert
I mean even once makes me pretty darn lucky but I have seen him a grand total of 9 times
Nine times
I mean that is like, wow, Neil Diamond nine times in concert…..unbelievable

I’ve seen the Red Sox win the Series not once, not twice but three times
That’s either luck or one of the seven signs

Look, I am so lucky that one time, when I was in the drunk tank, I met this guy who was not only a Red Sox fan but was also a Neil Diamond fan
We ended up hanging out together for like two years
We even went to a Neil Diamond concert together

And then, he got me out of jury duty
I mean how lucky is that

Sure, he got me out of it because the jury was being picked for him and I had to admit to knowing him And yes, I was then questioned about some other things and my whereabouts
And I may or may not have been detained for a day

But, I got out of jury duty

That was pretty lucky

I’ve got my family, my friends, and my health
I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table
I have a job, insurance, a 401k, no criminal record
Sure, maybe I have a bit of a checkered past but it makes for great small talk

I’ve got my five senses and my wits about me
Though a couple senses may be slightly dulled and sometimes my wits are close to the end

But I still wake up every day to see the sun rise and make it to the end of the day to see the sun set and that in and of itself makes me pretty darn lucky


  1. Love your "lucky" post. It was funny from start to finish! You put a whole new spin on the word lucky!

  2. I drove in Boston once, ONCE, and I totally understand that red light thing!

  3. So I'm not the only one who gets geeked out when I walk downstairs and the washing machine and the dryer are both in sync? Like score! Less movement for me!!!

  4. What a great post! I too am not lucky in the sense that we think of when we think of lucky, but there are all kinds of lucky things in my life. Thanks for reminding me!

  5. It's the little things in life that make us so lucky! And of course the people and the setting sun and breathing...but the Erma Bombeck thing would be pretty cool too.

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