Write a blog
post inspired by the word: Embarrassed
Quite some
time back, I wrote this little gem
The
highlights include the time I took my skirt off in an elevator, knocked over a
display of gravy and tried to blame a kid, and called a guy I was seeing by the
wrong name for weeks (he dumped me)
But please,
it does not stop there
I have even
more in my arsenal:
There was
the time I wrote my grandmother’s obituary
When I
listed the names of the grandchildren, I used the name of my cousin’s first
wife as opposed to his current wife
The time I bought
my then boyfriend a suggestive card for his birthday and accidentally gave it
to a co-worker for his birthday
Then there
was the time I catcalled my husband on the street only to realize it was not
him
Another
time, I struck up a conversation with someone in line at the grocery store
I was noticeably
pregnant and rubbing my belly as only pregnant women do
When she
asked me when I was due, I said with a totally straight face
I’m not pregnant
She was
mortified
Her eyes got watery and she gasped covering her mouth with her hands
She dropped her eyes to the ground and and before I could explain I was joking, she just walked (read jogged at a fast pace) away leaving
her full cart
One time, I
went to the wrong wedding reception
I was at a wedding with a guy I had been seeing for a few months
It was his
cousin’s (the bride) wedding and the first time I was meeting his family
The Church
was lovely, the cocktail hour was fantastic fun
By the time
we were being seated for dinner, I had won over his parents, his grandparents,
his brother and sister-in-law and his older sister (who was in the wedding party) thought
I was perfect for her brother
I was a hit
Just before we
were to head to our table for dinner to be served, I excused myself to go to the
ladies’ room
What table
are we sitting at I asked my dashing date (I was convinced by now I would be the
next one walking down the aisle)
Table 6 he
replied
He kissed my
cheek
They love
you he excitedly whispered in my ear as he squeezed my hand
I grinned
and glided off to the bathroom
When I returned,
I floated to Table 6
Only to
realize I did not recognize anyone at the table
But no
problem!
His immediate family loved me!
This would be a piece of cake
I introduced
myself to everyone at the table
Friends and
a couple more cousins of the bride
We chatted,
we broke bread, we had our salad
And then
someone made a toast
And the names
of the bride and groom were not what they were when I left the room
And as I
scanned the room, I realized I recognized no one
And as I
panned the table, I realized I was the only one without a date
So I excused
myself to the rest room
And this
time, when I headed back to the reception, I went left instead of right
Another
time, I was at a wedding seated at the same table as a woman I went to high
school with
I had not
seen her in years
But I knew
she had gotten married and had two children
So we’re
making small talk and I ask to see photos of the kids
Her daughter
was the spitting image of her and I said so much out loud
When I
flipped to the picture of her son, I glanced up at the man beside her (who had
not been introduced) and commented, how handsome….he looks like Dad I said as I
gestured to the man sitting next to her
Oh, no she
said, he’s not their Dad….I’m no longer with their Dad….
Another
time, I was at a wedding as the date of a friend
The friend,
who is gay, unbeknownst to me, had not come out to his family and friends
So midway
through the cocktail hour, and by cocktail hour I mean the hour between the ceremony
and the reception during which time beer in a can was being served after being
fished out of a makeshift cooler which I am pretty sure was an old bathtub filled
with ice on a dolly, one of his aunts asked how long we had been together
Been
together I asked laughingly
If only I
declared with great enthusiasm
And so started my monologue
He would be
the perfect boyfriend! He’s handsome, smart, funny, he cooks and cleans and has
a knack for accessorizing….but well, who are we kidding, he’d rather I be 5
years younger, 6’3 with washboard abs and a constant 5 o’clock shadow..…and it
would help if I looked good in drag….and knew all of Cher’s songs by heart….but
I am the one who watches Golden Girls with him all night long and that counts for
something right….and he calls me to kill the spiders…so there’s that too…
I trailed
off when I realized that everyone had gone quiet and they were all staring at me with mouths
agape
One aunt may or may not have been choking on a pig in a blanket
His Dad
was beet red
His two cousins were stifling giggles
His brother's beer was poised in midair halfway to his mouth
His mother was looking down at the ground shaking her head
And his grandmother who was a bit hard of hearing says to his sister-in-law she does look like she got dragged, what is she wearing?!?
My “date”
was standing behind my audience with his eyes all wide and bugged out
Why are you
looking at me like that I asked him, it’s not like they don’t know you’re…….oh……shit
Who wants to
shotgun a beer?!?!?!?
Oh my!!! HAHAAHAHAH!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou....I want to party with you!!!
Let's go crash weddings together and fill out obituaries hahahaha!!! I really needed this laugh. Thank you!!!
Do people still let you out of the house? I am dying...DYING!! Each story just kept getting better. The wrong wedding reception had me laughing out loud. I can definitely see myself doing ALL of those things, but I am so so glad it was you and not me. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe wrong reception was hilarious. So was the birthday card being delievered to wrong person. LOL
ReplyDelete