Wednesday, May 15, 2013

32 Random Things

Mama Kat, the writer's workshop I sometimes hook up with on Thursday, also promotes Vlogging 
Which is blogging via video
Which I will probably never do because

  1. I would break the camera (literally not figuratively, ask Sean how many iPods I've been though)
  2. I really don't like the sound of my voice, its husky and mannish
  3. The camera adds 10 lbs. and even though I've lost 30, I don't need the blow to my ego right now 
Much like she does writing prompts, she does Vlogging prompts, and even though I'm not Vlogging, this one amused me:

5.) 32 Random Questions Tag. (inspired by Darcy Zalewski) Questions below.
Now go make that video! (Which we have covered, I will not be, but for fun, my answers are below)

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
I have a horrible habit
One that makes both Sean and Lucy crazy:
I open drawers, doors to cabinets, closets and I never fully close them
I close them, just not all the way
Ok fine, sometimes I don't even bother closing them
It's like a minefield in our kitchen when I'm making dinner
Cabinet doors are open
Drawers are either fully opened or partially opened
So dangerous for a 3'5" person running around
And I leave my dresser drawers open
Herbie has decided his new favorite place to nap is in the bottom drawer on top of my pants
And then I get mad my clothes are covered in cat hair
I suck
Anyway, the closet gets the same treatment I throw it open to get clothes out and the idea of closing it does not even cross my mind
The closet is on Sean's side of the bed…and I think he has gotten tired of closing them every night before he climbs into bed
So we sleep with the doors open

Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?
I used to travel quite frequently for work and I always took the bottles from the hotels
And never used them
I would always forget they were in the closet
When I moved from IL to MA, I found so many hotels soaps, shampoos and lotions is was actually alarming
Like if the show Hoarders had been around in 2000, I would have been on it with my 100's of hotel toiletries
Suffice to say, I no longer have the desire to bring those things home
But when we stayed at the Hilton, I totally wanted to steal the bathrobe

Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
I hate making the bed
Sean does it
I just sleep in it and could not tell you if the sheets are in or out
I hate making the bed 

Have you ever stolen a street sign?
Yes, yes I have
I have alsp walked into a street sign and been injured as a direct result – I have a scar on the palm of my right hand
And lawn ornaments
One time I was run over over by a car, specifically the get away car, in the process of stealing said lawn ornaments
I've also removed For Sale signs from one house and moved it to another house
Because I could
And it was funny 

Do you cut out coupons and then never use them?
When I was a kid, I used to sit with my mother on Saturday mornings and cut out coupons with her
We'd sometimes make a list but mostly, we'd just hang out and talk and cut coupons
Then I would get to go grocery shopping with her
It was one of my favorite things to do
It was devoted time and attention from her and when there are seven kids vying for the attention of one Mum, as a kid, you take whatever devoted time you can get
To this day, I still enjoy grocery (or Target) shopping with my Mother
Nothing makes me laugh harder than acting out in the grocery store with my Mother
Makes her laugh too
So one would think I cut coupons and use them
But I don't
And I don't even really cut coupons so much as I collect them
Like the Big Blue Bed Bath and Beyond ones you get in the mail or the ones the register spits out at the end of your receipt
So I collect the coupons
And then forget to use them and they expire
And as I throw them away, I vow to use the next batch
I never do

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
My sister Mikel is allergic to bees

We know this because one time, a swarm of bees got into her room and stung her
She woke my parents up in the middle of the night but they sent her back to bed
A bit later, she woke them up again as she was swollen and having trouble breathing
I believe that is what the medical field calls Anaphylactic Shock
She carries an epi pen now
I also can't eat blackberries without crying – you third, fourth and fifth graders out there know what I'm talking about 
Anyway, neither is ideal but I'm thinking I have a better chance of surviving a bear attack
With a bear, if you stand still or play dead, you can usually survive
Unless if it's a polar bear
If it's a polar bear I'd rather be attacked by a swarm of long as I have my sister and her epi pen with me 

Do you always smile for pictures?
No, no I do not
I try
I really do
I always start off with a big cheesy grin
Like too much teeth and my eyes get all weird and big 
I sort of look like a horse now that I think about it
But when I smile in pictures a few things happen:
My face muscles contort and I start having face spasms and then my mouth goes crooked and people think I'm having a stroke
Then, I get all stressed out about where I am supposed to look so I start jerking my head up and down
Then, I remember I have a chubby face and the camera adds ten pounds so I try to remember to tilt my head up and I end up looking like I smelled a fart or a pizza, and I'm trying to guess which direction the smell is coming from
Also, when I smile in photos, you can totally see my lazy lidded eye
I hate having my picture taken
But I do truly try to smile

Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

Sometimes, like when I walk from my car to the office
For so many reasons I count those steps
Sometimes I wear my pedometer
But as a general rule, I do not count my steps
I don't count cards either
Or calories
I do however count how many times people ask me the same questions and I give the same answer in one sitting
The record is 7

Have you ever peed in the woods?
Who hasn't peed in the woods
I've also peed on myself while peeing in the woods as a direct result of movement in the brush that turned out to be a fox playing with a snake
Plus, we had been drinking so I was a little unsteady anyway
But my days of peeing in the woods I believe are over
No way in hell I could crouch like that
I know squat is the better word to use but I can't stand that word
Squat and ointment – those two words give me the hebejebies
Actually, I could crouch
I just can't get up without falling so even if I manage to pee without peeing on myself, I'd just fall in it anyway

Do you still watch cartoons?

I have a four year old
Of course I watch cartoons
The real question should be would you admit to watching cartoons when no children are around (and The Simpsons, Family Guy and Archer do not count)
And my answer would still be yes, yes I do
Nothing like an episode of Backyardigans, Wonder Pets or Mike the Knight to wash away the stink of a tough day or snap me out of a bad mood

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
Here's the thing, if I had treasure and buried it, I'm pretty sure I'd forget where it is and then I would have to go all Goonies trying to find it
Which that in itself could be kind of fun – I do a mean Truffle Shuffle
Even if I had a map I'd be unable to find it because I'm that guy who has trouble following the GPS (a trait I apparently inherited from my Dad)
Now if I had treasure and I were dying and people knew I had treasure, I would then of course bury it and tell them my dying wish is for them to find the treasure
I would reveal the treasure, without telling what the treasure is, has been buried somewhere between the seven continents and the seven seas
Of course anyone who knows me well would look no further than North America because they know I hate traveling outside the continental United States
Except England
I love going to England
But England doesn't count because it's pretty much the 52nd state after Canada
But for the record, I would not go to England to bury the treasure
The cost of flying the treasure would be totally ridiculous
And we all know I'm cheap
So having said that, you know the treasure will be buried within driving distance
And having said that, if you know me, you know I am not good in the car for more than 6 hours
Okay fine, 4
So you can now narrow your search down to a 250 mile radius
Now, if you really know me, you know it will not be buried in Maine because that is way too obvious
And you know it would not be buried anywhere near Fenway because that too would be too obvious
And then you might think she'll bury it at Minuteman Park or maybe even at The Old North Church as a nod to American History and her love of the 4th of July
But you would quickly realize I know that you know I am that kind of a Patriot so those places would also be obvious
So then you might think she is a Patriot….I'm going to Gillette Stadium! I bet that's where she buried it!
Bu then you would remember I hate football so no, no it would not be at Gillette

So then you might think somewhere in Boston because I love Boston
I truly do
I love Boston for its history, its art, its architecture
For the Public Garden, the Common and Quincy Market
And then it will dawn on you
Wait a minute, this is Maria we're talking about, and she is way too lazy to go to these extremes
So you'd dig in the backyard
And you'd find it

What do you drink with dinner?
If I were being cliché, I would tell you I drink my dinner (har har har)
But those days are behind me
So now, when I sit down for dinner I typically drink ice water with lemon
Sometimes I jazz it up and drink flavored water 
Unless its pizza or a burger than it's a Diet Coke with lemon (because that Diet Coke will totally offset the pizza and burger) 

What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Believe it or not as chubby kid, I am not a fan of chicken nuggets
I've never really cared for them therefore, never really eate them
Funny thing is, Lucy does not like them either
She thinks she likes them (because all her friends eat them) but the few times we have bought them for her, you know what she asks?
Mumma, can you peel the skin (read the breading off) so I can just eat the chicken?

What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
I could write an entire blog on this
No joke
I love watching the same movie over and over again
And it's a weird range of movies
Here's a sample
Finding Nemo
Monsters Inc
Gone in 60 Seconds
Air Force One
American President
How to Train Your Dragon
The Fugitive
Patrioy Games
Clear and Present Danger
The Rock
School of Rock
The Mummy
The Lion King
Walking Tall
Legally Blonde (seriously, I love this movies)
Jumping Jack Flash
Notting Hill
Ocean's 11
Pelican Brief
The Client
The FirmSteel MagnoliasSpeed
Song of BernadettePlanet of the ApesBlues Brothers
Con Air
Die Hard
The Last Holiday
Thomas Crown Affair
Breakfast Club
Liar Liar

I could seriously keep going
But we still have a bunch to answer
And for the record, you will never catch me watching a Woody Allen film

Were you ever a girl scout?
I was a Browine

Never made it to the rank of Girl Scout
But I was a Boy Scout…sort of, okay not really
My mother was the Den Mother
But, I did all the projects they did
Including making a wooden duck with a clothes pin for a beak
I gave it to the principal at my school and he proudly displayed that duck on his desk for years
And by years I mean that my mother bumped into either his wife or his daughter and said he still had it on his desk at home and still bragged about me making it and giving it to him
See, I can be sweet and endearing when I want to be
Like once every 20 or so years

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
For the love of God and mankind, no

Can you change the oil on your car?
No, no I cannot
But, I know where the closest Jiffy Lube is and I can totally drive my car into the bay and center it over the big hole in the floor without falling in 
Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
I have had so many speeding tickets

I've been to traffic school – twice
At one point, the was a bench warrant out for my arrest for tickets
And one time, when I got pulled over by a Maine State Trooper, my brother, who by the way is a shitty wingman, noticed the police airplane hovering above me and never warned me to slow down Jerk
Cost me over $200

Afraid of heights?
So much so that if you watched the video from our honeymoon when we went on a Ferris wheel, you would swear you were watching a promo for The Blair Witch Project
So much so that when we got o the Mall and are on the second floor, I get queasy when Lucy approaches the "glass wall" that overlooks the first floor
So much so that I have actually been paralyzed and unable to move (again, ask Sean about our trip to Tybee Island when we went to the top of the Lighthouse and I could not even walk around the top and enjoy the view)
Yeah, I'm afraid of heights
What of it?

Do you sing in the car?

At the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down
And I don't even stop singing at the red lights when I know the person in the line of traffic beside me also has his windows rolled down
I actually turn and start singing to them
And one time, I was applauded

Is Christmas stressful?

I don't think so
But then again, I do my Christmas shopping year round
I'm usually done by August/September
You know why?
So I can enjoy the holiday season
Beacuse really, what is so stressful about the birth of Baby Jesus?
Although I will admit this past Christmas was stressful

But only because Sean tried to die on me   

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid

A Nun
John Travolta's Girlfriend
An on air reporter (like the anchor not the nitwit standing in the middle of a beach during a hurricane) A journalist
A teacher
And in college, the semester I was a liberal? I wanted to be a lobbyist for the Unions or the Farmers in upstate New York (I thought they needed me)

Do you believe in ghosts?

I never did
And I don't think I do
But, when we were in Savannah, we stayed at the Marshall House
It was used as a hospital in the Civil War
We were told that when the hotel was renovated, it was discovered that the subfloor in the basement had been used as a burial ground for the Union Soldiers who were treated at the hospital
And by burial ground, I mean the bodies were thrown in a pile, covered up and not discovered until major renovations were done in the hotel
As legend has it, and so the staff says, guests have reported seeing soldiers walking (read limping) through the hallways
They have heard moans and shouts and calls of distress
At night, they go to bed leaving their glasses on the nightstand and in the morning, the glasses are clear across the room on the desk
Anyway, Sean and I check in and the first day we were there, the TV turns itself on
And then the channels start changing randomly
Then, I think it was the second or third night, we were in bed sleeping when I felt the weight of someone at the foot of the bed
I sit up thinking its Sean but he is asleep HORIZONTALLY BESIDE ME
Then I felt the weight getting up off the bed
But I never saw anything

The first concert you ever went to
The first proper concert I went to (not at the State Fair or the front lawn of the Bangor Auditorium) was Huey Lewis and The News (thank you Karen Smith)
Certain events took place that night that should never be spoken of again
And Karen and I do not speak of them, we simply hide in the pop up camper playing Uno until whatever threat of our past coming back to haunt us passes

Walmart, Target, or Kmart?
When I moved to Illinois, I discovered Target
There was one right across the street from my office Target became my go to place
I took my mother to Target many years ago when she came to visit me in IL, it was like the Mecca for her
Her eyes lit up, there was a bounce in her step and no aisle was left out of her whirlwind tour
I love Target
I love Target so much that last weekend I complained to Sean I haven't been to Target for two weeks! I need to go….like ASAP honey before my blood pressure drops and my heart rate slows down
An hour and $250 later, my needs were met

Nike or Adidas?
I don't think we ever had either as a kid, we had Zips
Or Saucony as the Saucony outlet was in Bangor
I also vaguely remembering owning a pair of Pumas and thinking I was pretty hot shit because no one else had Pumas
In hindsight, I'm pretty sure I was way less cool than I realized
As an adult, I always bought Saucony although the last pair of sneakers I bought were in fact Nikes and are sooo comfortable
So Nike
Besides, what I remember from being a kid was you wore Adidas, you got teased because it really means "All day I dream about sex"
I get picked on enough, I don't need that hassle as well

Can you curl your tongue?
I can
Sean can too
Lucy can't which for some reason drives me crazy

Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
Yes, yes I have

When Sean proposed
When we got married
I cried when Lucy was born
I cried when Cousin Kay handed me the two pictures I drew almost 40 years ago that Aunt Nell saved
I cry every time I think of Aunt Nell and those are always happy thoughts
I cried when my youngest sister told me she was pregnant
I also cried when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004T
hat still chokes me up
And I cried the first time I finally met Nanny Claire in England
She and Aunt Nell could have been the best of friends

The last concert you saw?
I used to go to concerts all the time in my 20s

I've seen ZZ Top, the Indigo Girls, Sting, Springsteen, Jimmy Buffet (a number of times) Celine Dion (for like $10 in Toronto before she was all big and famous), Shania Twain, Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, The Hooters (again, blame Karen Smith)
But I'm pretty sure the last concert I went to was Neil Diamond
Sean surprised me with tickets
It was either 2005 or 2006
And it was awesome
I adore Neil Diamond
Neil Diamond is awesome

Can you swim well?
I can swim well enough that my head is above water at all times and I have no fear of drowning

But I still have a fear of riptides
And if I had to out swim a shark or pirates, I'm not sure I could do it 

Can you knit or crochet?
And I have tried both
When I tried to crochet, I cut the circulation off in my fingers and when I tried to knit, I poked myself with the needles…a lot…twice in the face

Are you a dog person or a cat person?
We have two cats
I'm still not even sure how that happened
And while I like them well enough, I never considered myself a cat person
They poop in box and then walk all over the place on the same feet that were standing in the poop box
And they can be so persnickety
I do like dogs, but when I think about owning one, it stresses me out – the cost, the care they need, the fact we have a small house and work all day
But I like other people's dogs
And other people's cats
Let me put it to you like this:
You will never see me driving around town with a bumper sticker that says I Love my (insert breed of animal here)
Nor will you see me with a sticker that says Cat Lady or Dogs Rule
You will never catch me wearing a cat sweatshirt or refer to any pet as my daughter's brother or sister
But I do like it when Ziggy curls up on my feet at night
And it amuses me when he follows me around like a dog
And even though Herbie is a bit dim, he is quite a loveable cat
And I do like it when he snuggles on my lap while I'm watching TV (though I am not a fan when he wraps his little 12lb body around my neck)
And I do like waking up to him snoozing on my pillow
So yeah, I like cats and I like dogs
But I am not really a cat or a dog person
But I do happen to be a person who has two cats
And a fish
Called Dodo
Who might actually be my favorite pet
Maybe I'm a fish person

Maria the Mum



  1. Two things:

    The fact that Lucy cannot curl her tongue is clear indication that there was a mixup at hospital.

    And you forgot 'Bloodsport'.


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