The Post in Which I am a Little Sad

We have a community wide yard sale coming up in June
It takes place every year

The first year we were here, we did it
We sold next to nothing
Though somehow, we did sell the two pairs of Crocs I wore the last two weeks of my pregnancy

We skipped it the following two years

But this year, we are all in
We have a bunch of stuff to unload:
Glasses
Plates
Random bowls and serving pieces
Place mats we don't use anymore
A couple ugly tablecloths - which I can say since I bought them
And maybe even a small appliance or two (pizzelle iron anyone?)

Old decorations - pick any one of the ten major holidays, we have decorations for it
Why you ask?
Who the hell knows
Have you met me?

Games
Toys
Maybe even some books, CDs and movies

In an effort to get ready for it, Sean and I have slowly been cleaning out closets and long forgotten storage tubs shoved in the back of the attic

We also cleaned out our bedroom closet, the vacuum sealed bags under the three beds (yes I said under the THREE beds) and the trunk at the end of the hall, for Goodwill
Which included, among other things, clothing we can now refer to as my Fat Clothes

And my maternity clothes
Which I had to shove in a bag without looking and Sean then had to remove said bag from the house
And go straight to the Goodwill bin
Like right then

It got worse when we pulled the tubs from the attic - 8 in total - that were filled with Lucy's old baby clothes
And by old baby clothes, I mean every single onesie, dressing gowns newborn cap,  little mitten things (which at my shower I totally thought were socks) booties, socks, bubble suits, dresses, t shirts, bibs, sweaters, sleep sacks that Lucy may have ever worn or used

EVERY
SINGLE
STITCH
OF
CLOTHING

It turns out, I never, NEVER threw away/donated/got rid of a stitch of clothing Lucy wore from the day she was born through 18 months

It was at 18/24 Months we stopped buying Carters and switched to the Target brand because Lucy had morphed into a Tasmanian devil and was so rough on her clothes
I was okay donating clothes after that - holes, stains, more holes, worn spots, more stains
I was not at all sentimental about her toddler clothing (the caveat being some of the outfits my mother and other family members bought her and along with her Youkilis Red Sox tee shirt)

I sifted through all those bins in an hour and when all was said and done, my uterus and ovaries were aching, my throat and eyes hurt from fighting back tears and poor Sean loaded another 6-8 bags into the car to be donated

I was an emotional basket case over onesies and dressing gowns

Onesies, dressing gowns, burp cloths, and bibs brought me to my emotional black hole....to an emotional breakdown inside and out

Mind you the temper tantrum Lucy has at 11pm last night totally tempered my breakdown....

But still....

Who would have thought getting rid of baby clothes would be so hard

Sure, I could have found someone who wanted them - but not everybody likes hand me downs and frankly, all my friends are way past the child bearing age

Plus I always thought we'd have more
.
I think we both thought we would have more
I think we both thought, when we put those clothes away 2/3 years ago that at some point, we'd pull them back out, fill up a little dresser again and Lucy would be a big sister

*sigh*

So it was hard
And I cried
No one knew I was crying
But the tears flowed steadily when my head hit the pillow last night

And inside, there was this little teeny tiny hole that fluttered opened
This little hole that every once in a while aches and reminds me its still there
This little hole that reminds me....

But the ache goes away
The hole closes itself back up
And I'm fine

For I know what I have
And I am grateful
I do appreciate what I have
And I know how lucky I am to have a child
I know there are so many women, so many couples out there who did not even get that
I know what I have

But it does not mean one can't long for what they don't have
It does not mean I can't miss what I don't have
And that I can't miss what I want
It's human nature
It's emotional
And it's real

And though I try not to dwell, sometimes, like when one is cleaning out tubs of baby clothes, sometimes it is hard not to dwell just for a day or two