An Open Letter

Dear Universe, Karma, Powers That Be:

What did I ever do to you?
I pick up trash when I see it on the ground
I hold the door open for people
I take my re-usable shopping bags EVERYWHERE (despite the nasty looks from the clerks at Macy's)
I let people people go in front of me at the grocery story when I have a full cart and they have a basket
I let people off the plane before me
And I always give people the parking spot or let them go before me in line if we get there at the same time
I give up my seat for the elderly and pregnant women

I say please and thank you
Probably too much
I apologize for things I didn't even do but I feel like people feel better when they hear an apology

I mail real birthday/anniversary/sympathy cards to people - like with a stamp and everything
I actually still write letters
I never forgot my parent's anniversary or birthdays.....nor my siblings' for that matter
I always RSVP on time

OK sure, sometimes I'm snarky
And I can be borderline bitchy
And sometimes I am hyper sensitive
And sometimes my temper gets the best of me
And yes, I can make snap decisions that in hindsight were not the best
And there was that time I was a liberal for a semester in college
And the other day I said, with words dripping and draped in sarcasm, people's intellectual capabilities astound and amaze me....and sometimes, the amount of logic and common sense exercised by people overwhelms me to the point of paralysis
And yes, sometimes when people look at me and say Oh, you're right, I respond with I know just because I can, and I was (right)
And yes, I hide behind doors and at corners and then jump out and scare Sean for no reason (except for sheer pleasure and a good laugh)
And sure, one time I may or may not have told my husband he had been in a coma

But we all have bad days

And I know my flaws
And I try to work on them every day
And I admit to them

Overall, I'm not as bad as I seem

So why, why is it you feel you must continue to punish me this way?

Why is it when I say to someone
Send me that in an email
You tell them it is code for
Stand in her office and give her a 13 minute dissertation on the issue and then wait for her to fix it right now

Or why, when I say to someone
Yes, I understand what you are saying and I can assure you, I will fix it but first, I need you give me that one key piece of information I need
Why do you tell them to look at me and say
I'm not sure I want to tell you anymore, you just need to fix it

Why, why when I ask someone a yes or no question do you tell them it is okay to answer with everything except yes or no

Why, why in the name of all that is holy and good when I ask someone a question
When I ask someone to clarify for me why they did what they did
Why do you tell them to tell me it's not they that are confused
But rather I am the one who does not understand their answer

And why, why when I ask them a question do you tell them its okay to give me an answer to everything but what I actually asked

Why when I am standing over someone showing them how to do something
Why when I say don't click the button which says blah blah blah
I need you to click this one over here which says yada yada yada, the one I am pointing to
Why do you insist they click that button I told them not to click
And then have them look at me and say oh, I was not sure which one you meant
And when I say why did you think I was pointing at this one over here
Why do you tell them to respond with oh so now I'm supposed to read your mind

Why when I say to people in an effort to give them a dignified way out of fucking up yet again
Maybe we did not make the process, the procedure we need you to follow, clear so let me clarify for you
Why do you tell them it is okay to look at me and say
No, you explained it just fine, I just want to do it my way

Then when I try to further explain, not tell, I take the time to explain to them why their way is not the best business practice (see, I even spare them the indignity of saying you're way is just wrong)
When I try to get them to understand the financial impact......you know, try to give them insight into the business model and how the integrated software we utilize affects, at the end of the day, our Profit and Loss Statement which is basically the financial state of the company...you know the one we work for which allows us to pay our bills
Why, when I go through all of that do you still tell them it is okay for them to look at me and say
I don't want to do it your way, I want to do it my way

Then, I lose my patience and say
You know it's not MY way right?
You know that the way I'm asking, we're asking, you to do this is because of the way the software functions
And because of the type of company we are
And because, you know I don't know, that's the way the owners want it done!
Why, why when I get frustrated with them do they look at me all hurt and wounded and say
You didn't have to yell at me
And I say I never raised my voice
You think I'm yelling?
Well, you're being kind of mean
And I bit my tongue to keep from saying
Well, you're being dumb
Instead I find myself saying
I'm sorry I lost my patience, I'm just trying to get you to understand why we need it done this way
Why do you again tell them it is okay to look at me and say
Yeah, I still want to do it my way

Look, here's the thing
Whether you want to believe this or not about me
I hate being in charge
I hate being the one who is supposed to have all the answers
I hate being the one who has to tell everyone what they are doing
I hate being the one everyone comes to for the answer because they are just going to argue with me anyway
And I am so tired of arguing
I am so tired of people thinking I enjoy telling them they are doing it wrong
I don't
I really don't

I've been doing this job now for 12 years, 4 months, and 2 days
When I was hired, I received no training
No one could tell me what it was I was supposed to be doing because they weren't totally sure of what the woman I replaced used to do
I had to figure it out on my own
And it took me a good solid two years to wrap my head around sales tax reports, multiple sales tax laws, registering in states to do business, union benefits and rules, commercial insurance and claims,
employee benefits, year end reporting, credit lines, balance sheets, WIP reports, profit and loss statements, administering 401K plans, processing payroll, OSHA reporting, licensing for this industry, contractor qualification forms, workers comp audits, sales tax audits, deciphering contract requirements, learning multiple software programs our customers force us to use.....just to name a few.....

No one taught me any of this
I had to figure it out on my own
I had to seek out people who were willing to share their brains with me
Their knowledge base
I sought out people who, though not employed by our company, taught me how to to my job by teaching me what I needed to know to do my job

But I had to figure out how to apply it
I had to use logic and common sense
And I think I've done pretty well

So tell me, why, why my Dear Sweet Universe who I adore and appreciate
Why Karma whose good side I try to stay on
Why Powers That Be which I am always slightly afraid of upsetting
Why do I feel like you are holdng me to a different standard, a higher expectation?
Why do I feel like no matter what I do......
Fuck
Hold on
I'm whining
I am being an absolute pip right now
What in God's good name is wrong with me
Why am I complaining about this
Why am I letting it bother me so much that I am blinded with frustration, aggravation and contempt (I'm not sure what I have contempt for but I felt like I needed a third thing there and that is what came out so I must be feeling it...could be contempt of court for all I know.....)

Because sometimes, one just has to get it out and the way things have been going for the past few weeks...

OK Universe, Karma, Powers That Be
I see your challenge
And I raise you
I raise you health, happiness, love and laughs
As I have all 4 at home

I see your challenge
And I raise you
I raise you family
For I have a wonderful immediate and extended family who makes me crazy at but I truly adore and would do what I have to do for them (OK sure, I may talk about them after I do whatever I have to do but I'll still do it)

I see your challenge
And I raise you
I raise you the unconditional love my daughter and husband have for me
I raise you the encouragement, love and support Lucy and Sean end me out the door with every morning

I see your challenge
And I raise you

So kick me when I am already down if you want
Let people say what they want to say to me when they want to say
Let people argue, tell me I'm wrong, tell me they don't want to do it my way
Let my co-worker make me cry

Because you know what?
At the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow, I sleep just fine
At the end of the day, I have a clear conscience and a full heart
And when I open my eyes, I have a whole day ahead of me
And I have rainbows
I'd kill for some Skittles but after 15 weeks I've lost 32.4 lbs so I'm going to hold off on that

OK Universe, Karma, Powers That Be
Thanks for listening
I'd apologize for the rant but I feel so much better
So I won't

But, I will, I promise, keep an eye out for the rainbows I know you are sending me


Love Maria