I am the World's Worst Wedding Date

From Mama Kat’s Pretty Much World Famous Writer’s Workshop:

Write a blog post inspired by the word: Embarrassed

Quite some time back, I wrote this little gem

http://www.sykesfamily.me/2012/11/boy-was-my-face-red.html

The highlights include the time I took my skirt off in an elevator, knocked over a display of gravy and tried to blame a kid, and called a guy I was seeing by the wrong name for weeks (he dumped me)

But please, it does not stop there

I have even more in my arsenal:

There was the time I wrote my grandmother’s obituary

When I listed the names of the grandchildren, I used the name of my cousin’s first wife as opposed to his current wife

The time I bought my then boyfriend a suggestive card for his birthday and accidentally gave it to a co-worker for his birthday

Then there was the time I catcalled my husband on the street only to realize it was not him

Another time, I struck up a conversation with someone in line at the grocery store

I was noticeably pregnant and rubbing my belly as only pregnant women do

When she asked me when I was due, I said with a totally straight face

I’m not pregnant

She was mortified 

Her eyes got watery and she gasped covering her mouth with her hands

She dropped her eyes to the ground and and before I could explain I was joking, she just walked (read jogged at a fast pace) away leaving her full cart 

One time, I went to the wrong wedding reception

I was at a wedding with a guy I had been seeing for a few months

It was his cousin’s (the bride) wedding and the first time I was meeting his family

The Church was lovely, the cocktail hour was fantastic fun

By the time we were being seated for dinner, I had won over his parents, his grandparents, his brother and sister-in-law and his older sister (who was in the wedding party) thought I was perfect for her brother

I was a hit

Just before we were to head to our table for dinner to be served, I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room

What table are we sitting at I asked my dashing date (I was convinced by now I would be the next one walking down the aisle)

Table 6 he replied

He kissed my cheek

They love you he excitedly whispered in my ear as he squeezed my hand

I grinned and glided off to the bathroom

When I returned, I floated to Table 6

Only to realize I did not recognize anyone at the table

But no problem!

His immediate family loved me! 

This would be a piece of cake

I introduced myself to everyone at the table

Friends and a couple more cousins of the bride

We chatted, we broke bread, we had our salad

And then someone made a toast

And the names of the bride and groom were not what they were when I left the room

And as I scanned the room, I realized I recognized no one

And as I panned the table, I realized I was the only one without a date

So I excused myself to the rest room

And this time, when I headed back to the reception, I went left instead of right

Another time, I was at a wedding seated at the same table as a woman I went to high school with

I had not seen her in years

But I knew she had gotten married and had two children

So we’re making small talk and I ask to see photos of the kids

Her daughter was the spitting image of her and I said so much out loud  

When I flipped to the picture of her son, I glanced up at the man beside her (who had not been introduced) and commented, how handsome….he looks like Dad I said as I gestured to the man sitting next to her

Oh, no she said, he’s not their Dad….I’m no longer with their Dad….

Another time, I was at a wedding as the date of a friend

The friend, who is gay, unbeknownst to me, had not come out to his family and friends

So midway through the cocktail hour, and by cocktail hour I mean the hour between the ceremony and the reception during which time beer in a can was being served after being fished out of a makeshift cooler which I am pretty sure was an old bathtub filled with ice on a dolly, one of his aunts asked how long we had been together

Been together I asked laughingly

If only I declared with great enthusiasm

And so started my monologue 

He would be the perfect boyfriend! He’s handsome, smart, funny, he cooks and cleans and has a knack for accessorizing….but well, who are we kidding, he’d rather I be 5 years younger, 6’3 with washboard abs and a constant 5 o’clock shadow..…and it would help if I looked good in drag….and knew all of Cher’s songs by heart….but I am the one who watches Golden Girls with him all night long and that counts for something right….and he calls me to kill the spiders…so there’s that too…

I trailed off when I realized that everyone had gone quiet and they were all staring at me with mouths agape

One aunt may or may not have been choking on a pig in a blanket

His Dad was beet red 

His two cousins were stifling giggles

His brother's beer was poised in midair halfway to his mouth 

His mother was looking down at the ground shaking her head 

And his grandmother who was a bit hard of hearing says to his sister-in-law she does look like she got dragged, what is she wearing?!?

My “date” was standing behind my audience with his eyes all wide and bugged out

Why are you looking at me like that I asked him, it’s not like they don’t know you’re…….oh……shit

Who wants to shotgun a beer?!?!?!?