Friday, December 15, 2017

Double Take

September 13, 2017

I have a new bad habit
Actually, it may be more of an annoying habit
Actually, it may not even be a habit so much as it is a tell
Really I think the best way to classify it is as a tell which is quickly becoming an annoying habit
I have an annoyingly bad habit of a tell
Or a tell that is an annoyingly bad habit
Or perhaps it is a tell that is just annoying
I mean I love having bad habits
Bad habits are usually the ones which bring the most pleasure
Not all, but some
Like I count smoking, drinking swearing and eating shitty junk food among those many bad habits
Some I have given up, some I have not
All of them, at some point brought me great pleasure
I pretty much enjoyed almost every minute of smoking, drinking and eating like shit
Except for when I coughed so hard it felt like my lung had dislodges itself from my chest
Which was usually after a night of binge drinking which probably involved a whole lot of singing, dancing, flaming drinks, yelling, laughing and maybe some karaoke
So not only did my chest hurt from coughing but I was hungover
To make it better, I'd eat a greasy bacon, egg and cheese biscuit breakfast sandwich from McDonald's (shit you not, miracle cure for hangovers is that breakfast sandwich .. that and sometimes a hair of the dog...)
But that aching chest, hangover and terribly unhealthy breakfast
were always the sign of a good time the night before
And I still enjoy the fuck outta swearing
But I digress
I've been doing this thing lately that is shockingly annoying to myself so I imagine it must annoy you as well
Lately, when someone I.........
and I hesitate to say don't like because I really want to be a better person which doesn't mean I have to like everyone but I at least need to be respectful and give them a chance.......
When someone I have a have a low level of patience with and for, someone with whom I just don't want to talk or am challenged to be around, or someone who catches me when I am in an obvious rush but they ignore the signs I am sending, asks me a question or engages me in conversation, I find myself answering or saying things to them twice...
Like this:
Colleague who from Day 1 is that guy that seems charming, acts charming but just fucking pisses you off for no apparent reason who is three time zones away calls almost every day and asks me to do something that he knows I cannot do because of the time or will now have to scramble to do because of the time and then makes a joke about how his timing has always been off in EVERY room of the house (hardy har har)
Colleague: Hi Maria, how are you today
Me: Oh hi,so and so. Good good. How are you? How are you?
Colleague: I'm great! The sun is shining, the air is clear and now I have you on the phone! What could be better?!?
Me: True, true!
Colleague: But you are not going to believe what I need from you......
and then he launches into something for at least 6 minutes that could have been said in two......
........any chance you can do that for?
Me: Sure, sure I say with forced enthusiasm and cooperation.
No problem, no problem.
Colleague: Well, you know me, my timing is off in EVERY room of the house (laughs at own joke)
Me: Indeed, indeed!
Or the Cashier at Market Basket who got annoyed with me at checkout the other day:
Cashier: You need to enter your pin
Me: Yes, but I asked it to run through as a credit card
Cashier: Well, it wants your pin
Me: Can you run it through as a credit card payment instead? A credit card payment instead?
Cashier: *sighs* No, and stop taking your card out of the reader!
Me: Sorry, sorry! The screen prompted me to, it prompted me too and was beeping, it was beeping....
Cashier: Rolls eyes, sighs and says Well now start over
Me: So sorry, so sorry....
This is why I shop at Wegmans people
Or my neighbor, my dear sweet neighbor who I love but is a talker (which is rich coming from me) especially when I am running late or need to pee
Neighbor: Can you believe this weather?!? It's so warm and it's September and blah blah blah blah
Me: I know, I know! Can't believe it! Can't believe it!
Yep, it is a tell
And I can't seem to shake it
A co-worker called me on it earlier today
He asked why I always repeated things when I spoke with certain people or at certain points in a conversation
I hesitated and answered his question in a faltering statement which ended up sounding more like a question than a statement as I sort of trailed off at the end and my voice went up an octave....
To reiterate my point or confirm I understand their point....
I think it's because you think the other person is an idiot
Could be,I answered, could be...........

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