Friday, December 15, 2017

The Call is Coming from Inside the House!

October 4, 2017

My mother's house is spotless
Always has been, always will be
When we were growing up, the bathroom was cleaned daily
Usually twice, once in the morning and again in the evening
Towels are not used twice without a washing in between
And yes, I said The Bathroom as in one full bathroom for seven kids and two adults
The floors were vacuumed minutes after you walked across it
I am not sure that vacuum cleaner was ever put away
If you need a new vacuum cleaner, consult Loretta; I’m pretty sure she invented the Dyson
There were always fresh sheets and plump pillows on the beds
The second you got out of bed, it was made before you could turn back around and climb into it for five extra minutes of sleep
Mum was that fast
And she could pull those sheets so tightly and make such perfect corners that you could in fact bounce a quarter on the bed…right off the bed into a red solo cup
With one flick of her wrists, Mum could, and I’m pretty sure still can, snap a flat sheet into place so fast and so smoothly it does not even have to be readjusted – and we had bunk beds
No matter how dirty or stained our clothes were when we threw them in the laundry, they were crisper and cleaner after my mother washed them
To this day, she can get out any stain on any article of clothing regardless of how old the stain is
I remember the kitchen table being piled high with clean, folded clothes
The Gap had nothing on the way Loretta could organize and fold clothes
Each pile was separated by child and each section separated by what room it would go into
The ironing board was a fixture in the kitchen and when not in use doubled as counter space
And you’ve never seen anyone fold a fitted sheet the way my mother folds a fitted sheet
I swear to God she can do it one handed
By the time she is done, the fitted sheet is as flat as the flat sheet; you can’t tell the difference
She has the most organized linen closets you will ever see in your life
Real Simple magazine, Martha Stewart, Japanese decluttering fad, you all pale in comparison to my mother
Even with seven children, that house was so clean you could eat off the floors
I did not inherit this gene or these abilities
My house is picked up, but certainly not clean
I hate vacuuming
I like to think of dust as nature’s blanket of love – so there is a lot of love in our house
There’s a shoe rack right by the front door
I mean literally right where I take my shoes off, Sean placed the shoe rack in hopes of getting me to pick up/hang up my shoes
It has yet to work
The other night, I folded four baskets of laundry
It took me two hours
And the only reason I folded the laundry was Lucy complained she ran out of underwear
I had I emptied the clothes from the dryer two days ago but left the baskets sitting in the basement because I could not be bothered
Then I moved the baskets to the first floor hoping someone else would fold them (Doby perhaps?)
But then Lucy ran out of underwear – my bluff had been called
And watching me fold a fitted sheet is like watching someone wrestle a pig
By the time I’m done, it looks like I just out stretched my arm and twirled the sheet around it then tossed it on the ground and steppe don it to flatten it out
My idea of ironing is throwing a wet washcloth in the dryer with the shirts
And make the bed?!?
Making the bed is the worst
You know how I knew I was going to marry Sean?
When I realized he makes the bed
Every day
Also, he vacuums – so it is a win-win for me
In April of this year, Sean suggested we get a cleaning lady
Not just because I’m lazy but also because April was an exceptionally busy month for us and the month in which I was feeling my worst with the whole period lasting for three weeks/getting a hysterectomy thing
So, knowing how busy April was (and that we’d be entertaining three good-sized gatherings) and that I would then be out of commission the month of May and probably June, we hired a cleaning lady
At first, I felt funny about it
I mean our house is small, I should be able to take care of it
But in April and May, we needed and appreciated the help….everything was falling to Sean when it came to day to day stuff and taking care of Lucy so having someone come in and help with the house was a huge help
Come July, we decided to have her keep coming
One because she is super nice
Two because our house looks awesome
And three because when she comes, she ties the toilet paper into really cool flower shapes
Also, I like to think it is motivation for me to keep the house looking a bit more kept until her next visit
For example, this morning, I made the bed
Sean is in Pittsburgh this week, he left Monday, which means, Sunday was the last day our bed was made
But, our cleaning lady was here yesterday and I had her make our bed and Lucy’s bed
So, this morning, when I awoke, I felt motivated to keep the house looking good
So, I made the bed
Just our bed…because while Sean is away, Lucy usually finds her way into our bed (mostly because when I put her to bed, that’s where I put her) so technically, there was only one bed to make…which was also why I was willing to make the bed
Anyway, I made the bed
This morning, while I was brushing my teeth, Lucy burst into the bathroom and breathlessly yelled
Mumma! I think there’s someone in the house!!!
I froze for a split second not sure how to react
And calculating the possibility of how likely it was someone was in the house
Luce, there is no one in the house
Mumma! There is too!!!
I spit, rinsed and calmly asked
Honey! What makes you think someone is in the house?
She grabbed my hand and dragged me to my bedroom
Look!!! She pointed dramatically with a look of “fear” masked in a smirk
Someone made the bed!!!! THERE IS SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE!! How else did the bed get made?!?!?
By now, she was collapsed in a fit of giggles and then a full blown belly laugh
Get it Mumma?!?!
Yeah yeah, I get it pal…..hahaha….super funny
She giggled for the next ten minutes

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