As Good as It Gets

Tuesday, I picked Lucy up from day care and we headed home as we normally do with little or no fanfare.
When we arrived home, Lucy, in her blue and white polka dotted coat and her two pig tails, asked if she could play with some of the neighborhood kids.

Sure, I say, we're home early....and in my head I knew dinner was already made, just had to be warmed up so we had plenty of time

We hopped out of the car and took a look around to see who was out and realized, we were the only ones outside.....which given the number of kids here is very unusually. even Pat and Kristen were not around

We wandered over to the big sitting rock and Lucy kept scanning the circle to see if anyone was out.
She looked so......well, her blond hair, which keep getting blonder, was in two little pig tails that had a slight curl in each of them...her hair was framing her face perfectly and for the first time, I saw her as a little girl...not a baby, not a little monkey, not an imp, but a little girl with thoughts, feelings and, I'm praying, hopes and dreams running through her little being.

Her skin, she has gorgeous skin on her face...its not translucent but sometimes, because its so fair, it seems to be almost shimmering....and her eyes! She had these gorgeous blue eyes in which she can express whatever she is thinking or feeling sometimes better than she can in words......her eyes will dance and flicker when she is amused, they twinkle and smile right before she does something she is not supposed to and cloud over just before she release the Kraken.

Lucy held onto my hand, as she paced in a little a circle looking for someone to play with....every few seconds, I would squeeze her hand and she would squeeze mine back and look me directly in the eye giving me a smile that tugged at my heart strings....

She asked to climb up on the rock, maybe to get a better view- still no one to play with
Where all the kids Mama?
I don't know honey, maybe eating dinner...?
Oh, OK Mama. Lucy wait? And with that, she started to sing a song to herself and sort of walked back and forth across the surface of the rock waiting for someone, anyone, to come out and play.

Lucy kept singing and my heart slowly but surely started to ache as a lump worked it's way into my throat and my eyes filled with tears.....

I'm not sure why I was so upset, Lucy could have cared less. She seemed pretty content just singing to herself and watching the world, and the squirrels go by

But I felt awful - its that feeling I imagine a parent gets when their child comes home and says he was picked last in gym class for the team....or when she comes home and says Susie invited everyone to her birthday party except me....I dread those days because I'm too sensitive (and will cry) and then I get angry (and will want to hunt the kid who hurt my kid down and give him or her a wedgie) I so badly wanted to go knock on a door and make someone come out and play with her....

And then I felt badly that we did not live near any of her friends from school that could come play with her.....and then i felt worse that she does not have a sister or brother who could be there to play with her......then in my head I jumped to 5/6 years from now and she was still standing on the rock looking for someone to play with........and then out of no where, this awful thought of Lucy not  being in my world worked itself into my head and next thing I know, i am sobbing....tears are falling down my face and I have no control over the,m - and the lump in my throat is so big I can hardly swallow....even now, as I recall and write this, the lump and tears are back - for no reason, just those fleeting thoughts one has as a Mum...wondering if what you are doing is right, if what you've given your child is enough...hoping this is as good as it gets and nothing changes....because this is good enough for me.....I have what I deserve, I don't need more.....just keep us safe, keep us healthy, keep us happy and I won't ask for more....

And Lucy....Lucy is still holding my hand walking back and forth on the rock singing Ba Ba Black Sheep....

Hi Mama! she says with a grin
Hi Lucy I somehow eek out...
Mama sad?
No Lucy, Mama's not sad....
Oh, Mama cry?
Ohh, maybe just a little bit Lucy....I can't lie to her....
Why Mama?

I had no answer for her, how do I explain to my 2 year old what my heart is so upset about....? Si I just sort of shrug and hope she'll move on.....

Mama sad 'cuz no one can play?
I nodded
Oh, but Mama...
Yes baby...?
Lucy's face broke out into a grin and she excitedly pointed over my shoulder....

Mama, fire hydrant! And with that, Lucy jumped down off the rock, ran over to Albert the fire hydrant, gave him a pat and threw me a smile over her shoulder....

Maria the Mum