Monday, January 9, 2017

Three Minutes

Dear Mama Kat

I've not linked up with you for some time

It was not you; it was me 

Actually, I thought it was you as I was not getting your prompts via email as you promised I would but the then I figured out my email was throwing you in my Junk folder

So how about we just say it was both of us and move on before this turns into a Lifetime movie with Rosie O'Donnell playing me and Katie Holmes playing you?

I checked out your prompts this week:

Share 2017 New year's Resolutions 
Word of the Year 
How did I spend New Year's is that an indication of the year to come
Top 12 posts fro 2016
Top 12 photos from 2016
What was I blogging about a year ago 

Sadly, none struck my fancy 

I'm over resolutions as I know I have no follow through so I figure why set myself up for failure
The last time I tried to pick a word of the year it ended up being rainbow….
I did not write enough in 2016 to have 12 posts to choose from
I’m hopeless at taking photos…unless you change the prompt to share your 12 Best Blurry Photos
And one year ago, I was not blogging at all

But I really wanted to get back on your good side Mama Kat

So I nipped over to your Writing Prompt tab to see if you could get my creative juices flowing and started clicking on the Get Your Inspiration On button 

The more I clicked, the more inspired I got 

First, there was What do you like about your job 

And I thought of this post I wrote about my new job a few weeks ago 

Then there was "The First Day of _____________"

Naturally school popped into my head and I thought back to Lucy’s first day of 2ndgrade this past September
I thought we were having a moment, she was just trying not to fart 

Then there was Share an Embarrassing Moment and I knew you, Mama Kat, of all people would appreciate my New Rock Bottom

But I did not just want to recycle a post

I thought I should write you a new one…I mean I sort of owe you at least that right?

So I kept clicking

What are you paranoid about?
Now if you know me, you know there is nothing I love more than a list
And when I make a list, I don’t just make a list
I mean if I just listed a bunch of things, you’d think I was not really putting much effort into it because it would just be….a list

Like this:

What am I paranoid about?
1.       Death
2.       Famine
3.       Drowning
4.       The Kardashians will keep multiplying
5.       Heights, specifically falling from a great height
6.       Losing my job
7.       Sean losing his job
8.       Snake
9.       Spiders
10.   The Apocalypse

I mean where’s the fun in that?

But when I make a list, it’s a list like this:

The top 10 Things I am Paranoid About

I can’t go to Target and buy just one thing – like toothpaste, tampons, deodorant, soap, shampoo, or toilet paper

If I do, I am afraid the cashier will think I either did not brush my tooth, need a tampon at that moment in time, am not wearing deodorant, did not shower (thereby left the house without washing my hair and body) or did not wipe myself and therefore, I smell

So instead of buying just what I need, and to avoid getting so nervous I am explaining to a cashier who could probably give two shits that I did in fact brush my teeth/bathe/administered proper hygiene to my body including wiping myself and I am just running low on all supplies and no, I’ve not started my period but any day now, I buy $200 worth of stuff to cover up the fact that I will run out of toothpaste in a week

True story and this has all happened
There are Target cashiers from Illinois to Maine who know way too much about me including my cycle

Air Travel
When I fly, I am always paranoid about going through security

The TSA agents and the metal detector scare the hell out of me

I think I am so paranoid about getting thought security and being mistaken for a terrorist I may actually start looking like a terrorist

I make too much small talk and my eyes dart around nervously
I mean I could not look anymore guilty if I tried

All because I am paranoid of setting off the metal detector or answering a TSA agent’s question incorrectly

So needless to say, I hate air travel

I am also always paranoid I’ll get on the wrong plane

Which I am fairly sure no one would let happen but if it does happen, it will happen to me and I’ll end up in the one country where no one speaks English

The I’ll be mistaken for some sort of spy, become a prisoner and be sentenced to a labor camp

And I am not strong enough to break rocks with a hammer so then I’ll get beaten because I can’t keep up and no one will know where I am all because I wore an underwire bar and was so nervous about the metal detector, and not looking like a terrorist, I got on wrong plane

But then I thought do I really want to unload my weird irrational paranoia on people on a Monday?

That’s more like a Wednesday afternoon thing

So I clicked again and saw

Ten Things I can do in Three Minutes

This should make me sound a little less crazy….

So here goes

The Prompt:

Ten Things I can do in Three Minutes

1. It takes me roughly three minutes to get dressed every morning

One of the good things about being me is I have zero fashion sense

Which means if you look closely at the clothes in my closet, you’ll realize I own the same 5 sweaters, 5 pairs or pants, 5 blouses and multiple skirts in 4-6 different colors

My closet is like Garanimals ……. everything matches and is interchangeable

My bra is either nude or black, same for my undies so no time lost here either

My socks are the only thing that may slow me down in the morning
I love my socks and I like to take my time deciding if it’s a penguins or moose or cats or polka dots or snowmen or stripes or stars on your socks kind of day

2. It takes me less than three minutes to know what kind of day Lucy is going to have when   she wakes up

I like to think it’s because she and I are so in tune….

In reality, it’s because when this child opens her eyes and her feet hit the floor, she already knows what kind of day she is going to have and she’ll let me know it

I take the next three minutes to decide of I should try to change her course or let her go – usually I let her go

3. I spend three minutes each morning writing a note for Lucy’s lunchbox

I know it takes me three minutes because I poured my coffee eight minutes before that then
I put Lucy’s breakfast on the table, packed her lunch, told Lucy to put down the book and eat breakfast, shooed the cat off the table and out of Lucy’s breakfast, packed her snack bag
told Lucy again to put down the book and eat breakfast

And by then, my coffee has cooled own enough that I can drink it in three gulps while I write said note to Lucy and told Lucy, for the last time, please to put down the book and eat breakfast

4. In three minutes, I can throw together a batch of brownies from a box 
I am not proud they come from a box but sometimes, a working mom’s gotta do what a working mom’s gotta do

And sometimes, your favorite kid wants brownies ASAP

And sometimes, you forget until the last minute that company is coming and you have nothing to put out for dessert

5. In three minutes I can cut up a block of cheese and toss it on a plate with crackers and pepperoni for company who shows up unannounced but is always welcome

6. The other day, I sat down to write Christmas thank you notes and timed myself…not on purpose but I had something in the oven for 15 and I had four notes to write

So I decided to challenge myself to see if I could get all 4 written and in envelopes before the timer went off

It took me three minutes per note to write and then 3 minutes to address all 4 envelopes (return address and recipient address)

I slapped the last stamp on the final note when the timer started beeping

I’m not convinced the notes are legible but they are heartfelt

7. When I was a kid in grade school, we used to have speed test every Friday

The teacher would pass out a sheet with 100 addition and or subtraction problems on it and we had to see how many we could answer correctly in one minute

I just found one on line and did it for three minutes

Turns out, I can answer 182 simple addition and subtraction questions correctly in 3 minutes...I am not sure if that’s good bad or indifferent but I can tell you it raised my stress level and my heart is till beating pretty fast

8. In the same vein as above, I decided to do a multiplication one as well

Turns out, I do not know my times tables at all

I completed a mere 55 in three minutes (correctly)

I’d pretend to be embarrassed but please, I’ve done worse in front of way more people than this

I then decided to also see how many division problems I could do in three minutes…that was 90

So I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with my brain

9. I can watch a movie trailer in 3 minutes or less

Not because I am a genius but because the studios have graciously kept most movie trailers under three minutes or less

But I’ll tell you what, on our Apple TV we have this trailers app (at least I think it’s an app) and before I know it, I have spent an hour watching trailers… do you have any idea how many trailers that is? 

20 trailers people! 
20......I can lose hours at a time watching movie trailers…never mind three minutes for one
10.   It took me three minutes to figure out I was pregnant with Lucy

We were living in Medford and I had walked up the street with Sean to his guitar lessen

I was particularly cranky on the short walk and Sean commented on what a twit I was being

And I was being a total twit – and I knew it
But it was because I did not feel well
It never occurred to me I was pregnant
Mostly because my doctor had warned us to be cautiously optimistic about even getting pregnant let alone carrying to term

But on this particular day, Sean said something to me about my hormones being out of whack – that was when I realized I could not remember the last time I had my period

So I walked down to CVS and bought two tests

 That night, as we were getting ready for bed, I peed on a stick

I brushed my teeth and washed my face while Sean was getting settled in bed

It took me two minutes to brush my teeth and a minute to wash my face

And then I looked down at the stick perched on the back of the toilet

The was a big old pink plus sign

I swear it was smiling at me

And my whole world, our whole world, was instantly changed….in three minutes…..

Those were three awesome minutes….

Good to be back Mama Kat!

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