Friday, October 14, 2011

Raw Emotion

Just so you know, I dropped a couple F bombs in this post…ok, a few…ok, there are more swear words in this post than I’ve ever put in a post… I’m just warning you….feel free to skip this one...I needed some therapy today and retail therapy is not currently an option

I'm borderline cranky today - which makes me mad...

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, people don’t get mad, dogs get mad people get angry but I'm mad....I'm mad as hell just because

I’m mad…

I’m just mad… you ever just get mad and have to just…rant, rave and get it all out?

So I'm going to cleanse, purge, put it all out need to try to cheer me up or give me advice, I just need to complain for a spell.....that's what purging is all about right…..

I'm mad at Tina Fey for having a second baby - she was my secret soul mate. I love her wit and humor, hate her politics but love her writing. And I love that she is my age, had only one child and was cool with it....then she went and got pregnant and had a second kid because, as she said, her daughter was the only one at school without a sibling and who would her daughter have after she and her husband were gone? Sell out!

I'm mad because I had an argument with my mother yesterday - senseless but not without merit

I'm mad because I feel rushed all the time...rush to get to work, rush to finish my work...rush out the door to pick up Lucy...rush dinner....rush rush rush.....

I’m mad because I want to change my hours but don’t dare to ask because I don’t want to stress my boss out because he’s already got enough stress on him which is stressing me out more….

I’m mad because people don’t have boundaries anymore….and I do…but somehow, they think it’s ok to cross them…and then get pissed off at me for telling them to back off?!?

I’m mad because people have forgotten what/where their place is….and when I try to remind them because that’s what I’m supposed to do because that’s what I’m told to do, I have to deal with their bullshit and attitude?!?!? How about you deal with my bullshit for awhile and see how you like it?!?! You think you have attitude…fuck, I have more attitude than Texas…and the potty mouth and temper to prove it…………..

I'm mad because we were late this morning and I felt myself losing patience with I rushed her....she could have cared less, she just giggled her way up the stairs to get dressed but I still feel guilty

I'm mad because I think that though Unions may have, at one time, fulfilled a purpose, now they are just a pain in my ass and not as beneficial as one might think

I'm mad because I'm so out of touch....Herman Cain was not even on my radar until a week or so ago

I'm mad at the Red Sox

I'm mad because people have no manners anymore

I'm mad because I had to cancel my vacation last week

I'm mad because people are you really have to take 20 minutes to prep your lunch and then stand there and eat part of it while waiting for the rest of it to come out of the microwave? YOU ARE TAKING UP ALL THE SPACE IN THE KITCHEN!!!! And no one cares what you are having! I do not need a running commentary on your fucking lunch! Do you really have to bring such a big friggin lunch?!?!? And while we're at it, quit pilfering through people's lunches for fuck's sake!

I'm mad because a sister was in town and never even called....and this is not the first time this has happened

I'm mad because I realized that I've done the same thing when I’ve gone to Maine...well, that is not entirely true...I'll call but when they don’t call me back, I don’t call again...and I'm mad because then I make little or no effort to see them because I feel like it's just not worth it anymore….I even feel like this about a couple friends…..

I'm mad that we can't just all get along - that we can't respect one another enough to just quit bickering, stop judging and comparing and stop competing....and I include myself in this.....I'm just as guilty...and that makes me time I said to a sister that we sisters couldn't get along because we’re all too busy getting our noses bent out of joint....she agreed but has yet to back me up on it...

I'm mad because try as I might, I will never understand family dynamics - immediate, extended, whatever...mine, yours, those of a total dynamics allude and scare me

I'm mad because if you have an issue with a third party, why are you dragging me in? Have your issue with that person - who gives a shit what I think or how I feel. Have your issue, just leave me out of it...and when you do drag me in, don’t be pissed off at the "side" I take or my position. Oh wait, here's an idea: Leave me out if it!

I'm mad because someone will read this and make it personal and be mad at me....they'll call me and say if you have a problem with me, you should have just called me....really Maria? You wrote a blog, real mature Maria....well, knock yourself out...but just so you know, this is for me, not for you....this is not about you - it's about me and what I'm thinking and feeling....piss off and don't call me, it'll just make me mad. Instead, just for a second, try to imagine where I'm coming from and why......

I'm mad because I am still seeking approval from people...approval I'll never get and probably don't even really need....

I'm mad because I have no followers

I'm mad because I'm mad because I have a job.....because it's a job, not a career, not a passion....and I should not be mad, look at the unemployment rate....look at how people are struggling...I'm just mad I did not do what I wanted to do because....well because I was discouraged and I did not stand up to those people

I’m mad because people can’t set aside emotions long enough to have a rational conversation

I'm mad because this whole "Occupy" movement is wasted energy - wasted because once these knuckleheads start making money, they’ll then bitch about having to pay the taxes I'm currently paying. You're pissed off about your student loans? Should have thought about that when you majored in English Lit with a concentration in Art as depicted in 18th Century Fiction and a minor in Greek Mythology! Next time, just read about that stuff for fun and get a useful damn degree.....and this is from someone who is still pissed off about the four years I wasted...but I take responsibility for it and I got a job, paid my loans, paid my debt .....

I’m mad because Pete Rose and Joe Jackson belong in the Hall of Fame and a remake of Footloose never should have been allowed……and really? Dirty Dancing II, Havana Nights?!?!

I’m mad because people don’t take all....about anything......not even something as simple as emptying the trash can because the containers you just threw in there are teetering on the top ready to fall out at any moment.....and you just turn and look at me and say trash needs to be emptied......and walk away?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?! This was the same person who informed me a few days ago that certain tasks were beneath him/her and I should look into doing them myself because s/he had more important things to do.....I said no problem....s/he said well, if it's no problem, why did you not just do it in the first place? How about because it's not MY job jackass, it was your job?!?! Your responsibility!!!!! How 'bout them apples.....??? But I said nothing, I just did it as it needed to get done, but I'm sure s/he'll get, and take, the credit for it…which makes me mad!!!!!

I'm mad because I am so damn tired of having to be the one who changes - how about you dig deep and try changing your bad ass ways? Why do I have to change? Why is the assumption that my attitude, my beliefs, my politics are wrong? Maybe it's yours....maybe, you’re the one with the closed mind.....I’m closed minded because I believe in God? In Church? In prayer? So what if it’s not the same God, Church or prayer as yours…it’s for ME not you! And I’m not judging yours…or your lack thereof so how about you back off my God, my Church and my prayer?!? What the hell did they ever do to you?!?
Am I closed minded Because I believe that a crime committed against me is just as much of a crime as the one committed against a gay person.......or a person of color? I'm closed minded because I don’t think resources should be spent on printing bi-lingual ballots or on making concession for children who are put into our school systems with no working knowledge of the English language.....but instead should be spent on the children who are already there and struggling? I'm closed minded because I think immigration reform is needed...because I think if you’re here illegally, you should be asked to leave.....? I'm closed minded because I won’t donate money to save some damn forest or a village in some country I've never heard of but instead opt to donate money to a local charity here in my own own does that make me closed minded? I think you’re the closed minded’re closed minded because you don't think someone can have an opinion that is not like yours..............and that makes me mad.....

And why do I have to be the one who always calls? When was the last time you called me just to say hey, how are you?

I'm mad because I remember your birthday, your anniversary...when was the last time you called to say Happy Anniversary to us? Do you know when my birthday is?!?!?

I’m mad because I am not okay with Lucy being an only child but I can’t come to terms with it

I’m mad because my husband, who is more sensitive, caring and genuine than people realize (yeah, so he’s a bit of a smother bug, a hover bug and slightly territorial when it comes to me and Lucy….which is one of the reasons I love him) takes shit at work, takes shit from his friends (who blew off our Wedding), takes shit from my family, and probably some from his own,  would still do anything for anyone, no questions asked….and he does not get the credit he deserves. Before Sean and I got married, there was some…tension…between family members….something was said that though I’ve forgiven, I will never forget…it was that hurtful….and I’m still mad about it – and I’m mad that instead of realizing my husband loves me unconditionally, tolerates me and takes care of me, people are quicker to judge and be critical of him – fuck off. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me – so what if he’s a sci-fi dork, can recite Star Wars beginning to end, reads really bad books, dorks out about Apple products and likes Star Trek a bit too much for my liking…he is, without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me….for him, I am grateful and blessed…..but I’m still mad at his friends for blowing off our Wedding….you guys hurt his feelings…piss off….

I’m mad because Sean and I do everything we’re supposed to do....we go to work every day, we pay our bills on time, I vote, he has a valid (and expensive) green card, we give our daughter the care she needs, we don’t ask for a handout or look for an easy way out, I recycle and use reusable shopping bags........but we're always the ones who fall in a rose bush and land in the pile of shit buried in the bottom of it....whereas there are so many around us that fall in a pile of dog shit yet somehow, come out smelling like roses.......

I'm mad because I know the grass is not always greener but sometimes, I can’t help but stand at the fence and just look.......

I’m just mad…….

Actually, I feel better now 

Thanks….sorry about this…but now and then, one just has to purge

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