Thursday, August 11, 2011

If I had a cape and a tiara, I could save the world

I started reading these two blogs not so long ago that tear and tug at my heart
In one of them, a Mum is chronicling the struggles of her only daughter, her only child, as they fight a terrible bone marrow disease which demands a full bone marrow transplant for the little girl’s survival. The baby girl is not even a year old yet….she was conceived after a long struggle with infertility and will be this couple’s only child….and they are fighting for her life…..hard
The second blog I’ve been reading is written by a mother who lost her little 4 year old boy to cancer just a few months ago. I found it while they were still fighting for his life – she and her husband and their two other boys (twins) rooted, fought and prayed for this little boy’s life. He’s their angel now watching over them from far far away…she’s fighting with his death…hard
Does not matter which blog I’m reading….I cry. Doesn’t even matter what these women are writing, I cry
I cry for them, for their children and for their husbands. I cry because the honest, raw emotions, thoughts and feelings they are putting on paper are at time so overwhelming that I don’t know what else to do.
I cry because they are fighting to save a life, make sense of a life and put a life back together….and I’m being a jerk because Lucy won’t sit still so I can put her shoes on…or let me comb her hair.....or because she won’t let me put the sunscreen on, or because she got sunscreen in her hair, or because we’re running late and she just won’t settle down and let me get her dressed. I get impatient with her because I’m in a rush…..
I cry because they are doing everything they can do to just make it through a day – one day at a time,  an hour at a time, sometimes minute by minute……and I’m in a rush to get out the door because I don’t want to be late for work because I don’t want to give the impression I can’t handle being a Mum and working full time……
The little girl went into the hospital Tuesday; they found a donor for her and she was to start her chemo. The transplant would have been in two weeks, on her #1 birthday! But instead, she is fighting a fever – at her last posting, blood had been drawn and test were being run but the bottom line is the chemo and transplant have been postponed. Her Mum is upset, hell I’m upset.....but she’s trying to stay upbeat and positive, she’s trying to cling onto that thread of hope she has….she just wants a break for her baby…
The Mum struggling to recover from the loss of her son, is angry…and when I say angry I mean like F bomb dropping, go screw yourself, don’t look at me cross eyed or I’ll punch you in the face angry! Someone posted a comment basically telling her to get over it…telling her she was spiraling into depression and she needed to snap out of it. From what I can tell, whoever made these comments is a stranger to her – a stranger like me who found her blog and read it…a stranger who does not know her well enough to say snap out of it! Get over it! A stranger who may or may not have children…a stranger who has probably never lost a child. A stranger who better pray this woman never finds him or her because I’m pretty confident she could take you whomever you may be
These two women, these two families…they overwhelm me. I wish I could do something for them….what I would do, I don’t know…
My Cousin De loves the saying “If I had a cape and a tiara, I could save the world”
This is one of those times I wish I had a cape and tiara…maybe even a wand for good measure…or fairy dust…..anything that could make their pain subside, their memories all be happy and their kids safe.
But I don’t….so what I can do is pray for them – send them well wishes, blessings and hope.
They make me want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better person. They make me remind myself I need to SLOW DOWN and be grateful for what I have, for who I have…..they make me want to go home and apologize to Sean and Lucy for being impatient with them both this morning because again, I was running late and just can’t seem to make myself leave…I feel like I have to stay there until we are all ready to leave – not because Sean can’t handle them getting out the door…because I don’t want to miss anything, I don’t want to miss them……
I have a husband, I have a daughter…we all have our health. We have jobs, we have a home, we have a safe and happy place to send our daughter each day……then how and why do I forget to be grateful?
How can I forget that Lucy…that Lucy is just a little 2 year old who is full of beans but means no harm…that Lucy is still trying to figure out how to put into words what she is thinking and feeling…..that she is a person too and can sometimes have a bad day….
How…why do I keep forgetting Lucy is just a little girl trying to figure out her place in the big world…kind of like her mom…
Becoming a parent was exhilarating, terrifying, and gratifying all at the same time….kind of like how I when I became a wife but magnified like 10 times. I’m glad I did both…and I’m a good wife, I’m a good Mum…but I can always be better……I just want to be better…for them and for me….I don’t want to be perfect, that would take all of the fun out of it…..I just want to be better
I’ll slow down now….…I’ll remind myself to be grateful..….I’ll remind myself what I have, not what I don’t have, not what I could have but what I do have….and I’ll read the extra story at bedtime, not care about the laundry for one more day, take the five extra minutes to lie with my husband in the morning…and breathe……
I have Lucy, I have Sean…and they have me…….
Maria, the Mum

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